Yes, Dear

A minister told the prospective groom in a premarital counseling session that there were some words, that if he spoke them to his bride, that she would always love him and really make him happy. He further told the young man that he should tell these words to her in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the car, in the store and when they were out on walks together. The young man thought to himself, I know these words, "I love you." The minister then said, "The words you need to say are, ‘Yes, dear.’"

The minister’s advice has been corroborated by research findings on the ingredients for a successful marriage. Basically, it boils down to this. If a man shows his willingness to respond to his wife’s concerns, go out of his way to please her and to aggressively meet her needs, she will in turn respond in positive ways to the things he needs or wants.

Why can women be so hard to get along with? If a wife isn’t able to count on her husband to be considerate, loving and generous with his time, energy and concern, then she is more than willing to contest with him in a battle of the wills. She does this to establish her influence in the marriage and to get his cooperation on things that are important to her. She wants to be taken seriously. She wants to be cared for and served as well as to be the giver of love and service.

"Yes, dear," within the framework of a mutually agreed on budget, can be said in the store, with home furnishings, with clothes, with children’s needs. "Yes, dear," can be said in regard to home repair and improvements. "Yes, dear," can be said about a night out, family vacations, visits to family and holiday plans.

If a man will give in on the little things and adopt an attitude of putting his wife’s needs first, even if the scales seem unbalanced, he will find that he hasn’t given up a thing in terms of decision-making on the bigger issues in their marriage. A pattern of "Yes, dears" will promote genuine negotiations and accommodation when he wants his needs and desires taken into account.

Why aren’t those words said more often? Many men have an expectation of entitlement and male prerogative about who is to serve whom in a marriage. This may have something to do with past gender roles where the "breadwinner" worked long and exhausting hours. He would return to the comforts of home where his wife assumed the lion’s share of work and parenting responsibility. Not much was expected of him.

Perhaps these words are not said because of pride and stubbornness? Maybe it comes from an archaic notion of male dominance? Or is it because men think that by being compliant that they are giving up power? Could it be something from their family background where their basic needs weren’t met? Are they so needy that they have a hard time giving love when they haven’t felt loved?

A habit of love. By saying, "Yes, dear," or words to that effect, a man develops an attitude and habit of love. He practices setting aside his agenda, his convenience, his need to be right, and his need for his wife to do things his way. This is an experiment in sacrifice, of consistently putting someone else ahead of himself.

The nice part of this experiment is that the service you give is returned in kind. Love creates love. It is easy to love someone who is loving you.

Why men and not women? Why should it be the man be the one to lead out with this service? In modern marriages, a wife is just as likely to be in the workforce. She arrives home equally tired and exhausted. She is looking for her husband’s support and involvement with the homemaking and childcare duties. His willingness to pitch in - to lighten her load and to share the work - is a sign of his love and devotion. She sees her demands and expectations as reasonable.

She does her part, generally more than her part, but expects a cooperative attitude in dealing with the home front. In her book, the little things count. That is why, "Yes, dear," is music to her ears. She also likes to be noticed and appreciated for the things she does, but that is another story.

What goes around, comes around. However, when she encounters resistance, argumentativeness, ignoring, laziness and self-centeredness, this is a battle she is willing to engage. Such behavior, too much, too often calls into question whether she is being loved. She, in turn, can be just as difficult, self-centered, demanding and argumentative. In addition, she can be angry and judgmental when she feels she has to fight to have her needs met. He sees it as her problem and then wonders where the love went.

"Yes, dear," eliminates all that and sets her free to be warm, nurturing and giving - if she feels it is a two-way street.

Is this too one-sided to expect husbands to be the ones to be this accommodating? Perhaps, but if you think of it as evening the scales for all the loving service a woman gives in a family, then it isn’t one-sided at all. In the long run, men who are attentive to requests and needs receive more love back as they give.