Advice For The Newlyweds Davis and Andra

Dear Davis and Andra,

Your family and friends are happy for you as you embark in this great adventure of married life. A happy marriage is a powerful force in human happiness. You have control over what kind of marriage you will have. Here are some ideas for making your marriage everything you want it to be.

- Include God in your life. Pray as a couple. Worship together. Serve others and give of your love freely. Live up to those principles you know to be true.

- Have regular meals together. Don’t allow reading, TV or music to interfere with that special time.

- Give warm greetings to each other. Make your greetings half as enthusiastic as a family dog greeting a family member and you’ll be OK.

- Be light-hearted. Cultivate a sense of humor and, as a couple, be playful and make fun for yourselves. Make time for vacations and adventures.

- Express your love and affection. Make touch, hugs, and physical intimacy a special part of your lives. You can nourish your marital bond through your willingness to meet each other’s needs in this vital area of marriage.

- Be loyal. Protect your marriage through keeping confidences and disciplining your heart for your partner and your partner only. Get professional and spiritual counseling for those problems that the two of you are unable to resolve.

- Share your heart. Don’t hold back on your private thoughts. Let your partner know the details of your life and be interested in their life. Talk about what is bothering you, what is good, what is great and not so great. Trust that what you share will be received with kindness. Allow each other to be a partner in your growth experiences your struggles, your joy and in your pain.

- Listen with your heart. Learn to concentrate on your partner’s thoughts and feelings and detach as much as you can from your own concerns and point of view. Seek to understand as well as to be understood. Show respect when your partner has the floor in a conversation. Don’t interrupt or take over until he or she has fully expressed their ideas. There are two versions of the truth and both are valid.

- Be the first to love. Love freely. Put your partner’s well-being ahead of your own. Have eyes and ears for what he or she might need. Love creates love. Anticipate and meet needs. Be there to comfort and soothe during times of trial and sorrow. Be cooperative and helpful. Make life less difficult for your partner.

- Be courteous and considerate in the way you talk to each other. Words can offend. Avoid put downs, name calling, blame, sarcasm, harshness, rudeness, judgments, and being "too right." Being "right" and being married don’t go together. one another during conflict is more important than the dispute you are trying to solve.

- Avoid conflict. Agree to disagree and to minimize or sidestep unnecessary conflict. Don’t let your differences get in the way of your mutual enjoyment. Your positive interactions have to be disproportionately large compared to negative ones for the negativity to be absorbed into the marriage.

- Be patient and accepting of differences - even long-suffering. Some changes take time. Some will never happen. In some important ways, your partner will be exasperatingly different. Live with your differences.

- Be careful with anger. Don’t try to solve problems while you are angry unless your spouse is really listening to you. Be willing to disengage quickly and not pursue an argument when either you or your mate is too upset to listen. Come back together to discuss the issue within 24 hours of the disagreement.

- Be quick to apologize. Be quick to forgive. Be specific about what you are sorry for, make a commitment to improve and then follow through on your commitment. Carry out your promises, make changes and you will create trust in your ability as a couple to solve difficult problems between you.

- Manage your resources wisely. Avoid debt. Live within your means. Combine your resources. Share the work. Plan and dream together. How you spend your money and your time represents your values and choices. Be united in your priorities and budgeting decisions.

- Have children. Davis and Andra, don’t be afraid or put off too long the joy that children can bring to your life. Forming a family and raising children is a fundamental part of life and future happiness. Through parenting together, you will grow in your capacity to love and be connected with each other, the world and to the community where you live.