Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

When All Else Fails, Lighten Up!

January 31, 2000

A publisher asked the Canadian psychologist, Hans Selye, to provide a one page summary of his path breaking book on stress and the General Adaptation Syndrome, the flight or fight response of our body when exposed to stress. He did so and he also suggested the serenity prayer as a one paragraph summary of his work.

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." - St. Francis of Assisi.

Selve then added a two-word summary of his book and also the serenity prayer - "Lighten up."

A humorist does her thing. I observed the application of this theory first hand during a three-day retreat for farm couples struggling with the farm economy and the changes it meant in their lives. A humorist was part of an evening entertainment program. She was a lot of fun and really got the group to laugh, play and be silly. It was good-hearted fun.

As the retreat progressed and as people got to know each other’s personalities, the fun and hilarity picked up. Laughter came easily and the people drew closer together. One evening several individuals plunged in an ice-covered lake as a part of their playfulness. Brrrr! Crazy! Good fun! You bet!

As the couples evaluated the retreat experience, I was struck how many of them commented on the humorist, the fun and her message about the importance of humor and coping. There were many beneficial aspects of the retreat but I was surprised at how powerful humor was rated as one of the valuable experiences the participants took home with them. Many resolved that they were going to laugh and play with each other, with their children, and lighten up their approach to life and their troubles.

I find that support groups often quickly move from tears to laughter and then back and forth again. Seeing the world in the same way means you laugh deeply at the same things. It helps people feel they belong. They feel understood.

Humor and detachment. People who have a sense of humor have an edge when it comes to the setbacks, disappointments, absurdities and even the tragedies of life. Having a sense of humor shows an ability to detach and take a bigger view of a situation than its oppressive qualities. If we can’t change it, we can laugh at it. It may be tough, but our laughter shows we are not yet defeated.

During the farm crisis of the mid-80s a couple in a support group commented on another couple, friends who were hurting badly. They felt they could gauge when their friends entered into their black pit by when they lost their sense of humor. They could also tell when they were over the worst of it by when they got their sense of humor back.

Can you come out and play? Mark Twain said, "Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. "Play is a child’s work. It is a miniature world of safety where children experiment, rehearse, practice skills and resolve conflict. Play is the ability to shift concentration, exchange roles, and step outside of oneself. Time is set aside to observe, pretend, enjoy or create. The world gets bigger through play.

A playful attitude can help us meet life’s challenges. Life, viewed as a game, has no consequence severe enough to defeat us, no failure that is not a stepping stone in disguise, no experience from which we cannot learn.

It is fun to see adults play. Play introduces us to that little boy or girl inside of us who looks wide-eyed at life with wonder and curiosity. We see the complexity and the contradiction. A fascination with the unevenness of life balances and softens our straight ahead struggle with problems and challenges.

Where does play and humor fit in? We can’t neglect the basics of life: doing our duty, gaining spiritual understanding, meeting the challenges of life, having integrity and moral sensitivity, and giving service to others. However, life doesn’t have to be an endless series of chores that are to be crossed off a list with a heavy sigh. Life doesn’t need to be grim, serious, or tedious.

Having play in our lives doesn’t mean being idle and irresponsible, buying pleasure or engaging in aimless activity. It does not have to be a big weekend, a magnificent vacation or a grand escape. It is merely an investment of time and energy in the unobligated parts of life - "wasting" time on activities that don’t directly add up but count nevertheless.

Through play in parenting, needs are met. Through fun in the family, memories are created. Through play and fun in marriage, love is expressed. Through play, friendships are deepened. Through play and fun in living, we maintain our sanity, our perspective and our strength.

What a healthy, wholesome thing it was to see adults play and laugh together! I almost see the clouds of depression lift as people let go of their worries and enjoyed the moment. Hans Selye and St. Francis were onto something - maybe I should’ve jumped in that lake too!