Marital Problems Common After Death Of A Child

Ideally, the death of a child ought to bring parents closer together, right? Who could understand better than a mate who shares the profundity of the loss? Who else has similar beliefs about the meaning of life and death? Who better to comfort, listen and shed tears then on someone who equally bears a grieving heart?

Unfortunately, a death of a child also has the power to drive a wedge between a couple and expose their marriage to incredible strains and challenges. Statistics suggest that divorce is greater among parents who have lost a child? Why is this?

Stoic suffering. Paul Rosenblatt, a professor of family science at the University of Minnesota says, "Couples who have lost a young child are at risk of having troubles with each other stemming from their own grieving. They may grieve in a way that makes them at once needy and yet distant from each other. Each may be hurting and need someone to lean on but not be in a good place to be leaned on."

"Sometimes the man tries to be "strong" for the woman. That can make a lot of trouble. He then bottles up his grief in ways that are not good for him. She may see his attempt to be strong as a sign he is not grieving and resent him for it."

Withdrawal of care. One thoughtful parent ascribed these frictions and misunderstandings to a difference in timing of moods instead of beliefs. Moods don’t match up. Thoughts and preoccupations plunge a grieving parent into the past and away from the needs of his or her spouse. Life, and the complexities of living, goes on while the grieving parents’ emotions and thoughts are inexorably drawn to the past.

During times of intense grief, one may not be concerned about the welfare of his or her spouse. A mate may be angry, preoccupied, indifferent or critical. The intimacy between them suffers. The grieving parent may not feel like helping anyone else out, even their spouse. And doesn’t.

Blame and resentment. The circumstances of the death may leave room for blame to surface between the couple. This is a direct challenge to the marriage. With a death, the search for the cause often results in irrational guilt and blame. Blame, especially where there may have been an element of responsibility, and a lack of forgiveness unleash unbridled anger and resentment. Hurtful things are said – and sometimes said again and again.

Reactions of grieving parents. Here are some common feelings shared by parents who went through this experience.

"I didn’t want him to see me cry. It would make him feel worse."

"I would be in a good mood. My husband would feel sad. I would then get into a down mood. And it would happen the other way. We learned to be tolerant of each other’s moods and accept them."

"We didn’t talk together. It was too painful. He’d get angry. I’d get angry at him. Each of us had to do our own thing."

"We don’t go to the cemetery together. We had to accept the fact that we grieve differently."

"It’s not ‘macho’ to cry. Someone mentioned to my husband that he needed tranquilizers. That’s all it took. He bottled up his emotions from that time forward."

"We went back to the hospital where our son died. My husband said, ‘Don’t you dare cry!’ I told him, ‘Don’t you ever try to stop me from crying!’ He learned."

"I said something I should never have said. But I had to get it out."

"Around Christmas, we had too many memories. It was hard to be around other people. We went off by ourselves."

Feeling all alone. Both partners are plunged into grief and expect their spouse to help, listen, soothe, validate and support them in their "hour" of need. It is great when it happens that way and frightening when it doesn’t.

The death of a child exposes a terrible fact of existence – how utterly alone a human being can be and feel. The illusion of togetherness crumbles. The tragic loss puts pressure on all the fissures and cracks of the marriages. Bad habits become intolerable. Poor communication causes problems at a time when the couple needs exquisite communication skills the most. Their marital problems are added on top of their profound grief and loss.

Many couples have also learned another lesson. They have learned that they have to go through their grief "alone" and that it is OK. They stretch their tolerance and support of each other to the limit. Their marriage survives the loss of a child just as they, as individuals, somehow survive the unthinkable horror of death and move on, one painful step at a time.

Support groups like "Compassionate Friends" offer a place where parents can go to share and hear how others have had similar challenges to their marriages. They learn to appreciate the whole spectrum of grief and become more accepting of each other in the process.