The news from the markets is dismal. Bills and loan payments come due. It is a
frightening situation. Emotions are taut and frayed, ready to snap at the next bit of
misfortune. It is easy to be preoccupied, worried, - even depressed.
Thats you. Thats your spouse. Youve been through tough times before
though not exactly like this. The stress is eating you up. What about the kids? How are
they coping with your crisis?
Rand Conger, a sociologist and researcher at Iowa State University, shared some
findings about youth and hard times in a rural setting. He sees two main ways children
become more at risk for behavioral and emotional problems, school difficulties, and
conflict with peers: parental conflict and parental depression.
Parental conflict. When parents quarrel and fight, children feel the stress and
tension. Children are alarmed and frightened by the intensity of the anger and no
foreseeable problem resolution. The security of the family is threatened.
Furthermore, the anger and frustration the parents have with each other spills over
into the relationship with their children. They cannot switch easily from being angry and
upset with their spouse one minute to being kind, loving and gentle with their child the
next. The parents threshold for frustration is low. Conflicts arise when the
parents stress reactions are introduced into the parent/child interactions. Children
feel distressed when their own relationship with their parents has too much conflict.
Parental depression. When a parent is depressed, he or she loses their
concentration and becomes preoccupied with worries and emotions. A depressed parent has
less energy and isnt as available to give timely attention to the normal ups and
downs, stresses and strains of their childrens lives.
Children thrive on attention. Resilient children are good at seeking and enlisting the
attention and help of at least one functional parent, relative or caring adult mentor.
Parents need to pay attention to their childrens lives, thrill to their successes,
be at their events, and comfort and counsel them when there are problems.
Children, especially teens, need monitoring and supervision. Parents have to set
boundaries, enforce family rules and consequences, and monitor their activities,
whereabouts and friendships. This is hard enough under normal circumstances, but extremely
hard when a parent is depressed.
Parenting during hard times. Parents need to be aware of that their childrens
stress is strongly tied to their own stress reactions to the crisis. Also, parents need to
monitor their own emotions, serve as sounding boards for each other and get control of
their reactions. They can seek help for depression and anxiety. Parents need to first
reach out and get the emotional support and guidance they need to cope just like
the airline instructions, "Place the oxygen mask over your own mouth first and then
assist your children with theirs."
If parents are quarreling and fighting, they need to seek guidance for their marriage.
Going through a crisis is hard enough but even more so when you arent getting along.
Children watch and are affected by the marital conflict. If the parents arent
operating as a team, they need to "fix" the team.
Talking to children about a farm or ranch crisis. During hard times, parents need
to get away from their own troubles and spend more time listening to their children. First
listen, then talk. Ask, "Whats life like on a farm (or ranch)?" Or better
yet, ask, "Whats life like on this farm (or ranch)?" See how they
respond. Children need an opportunity to express their fears and worries about what they
see and feel.
If you hear something that bothers you, stay in the listening mode and draw them out
completely before responding to their concerns. Besides your own example of coping
responsibly yourself, being a caring listener is the biggest help you can give.
Next, be honest in describing the financial implications of the crisis for the family.
Rand Conger says "brutally honest." Keep them appraised of the decisions and
plans you have for dealing with it. Explain your moods, edginess, preoccupation and
apologize for any unfairness due to your own stress reactions. Children can handle
material losses OK if their family relationships are solid. By sharing your financial
struggles with them, you enlist their active support, cooperation and contributions to the
familys well being.
Young people whose hearts were set on "taking over" someday need to verbalize
their concerns about their dreams being in jeopardy. Oftentimes youth are more flexible in
changing career focus and adapt well. It is the parents who need to figure out what is
best for themselves and not carry undo guilt about what may or may not happen in their
childrens future careers.
How schools and churches can help. As friends of rural children, caring adults can
be aware and listen to them about their worries and concerns. Seek out and engage them by
asking about their lives.
The farm crisis and its impact can be a topic of discussion in classrooms. This will
normalize the problem for rural children suffering through it. Videotaped stories about
the crisis or workbooks may also spur discussion. Schools can be mindful of expenses
connected with extra-curricular activities as many rural families will be on tight budgets
his coming year. Community recognition of the farm crisis and community-sponsored events
related to it will help reduce the isolation rural children feel.