Empathy Opens The Door Of The Heart

March 1, 1999

I interviewed Rob Scuka, Ph.D., a social worker and Director of the Couples' Programs at the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement in Bethesda, Maryland. He shared with me his ideas about the power of empathy. He believes that next to love, empathy is the best present a parent can give a child. Next to love it is the best thing marriage partners can give each other. It is the best thing you can give to an angry person. It is a gift, an act of service; indeed it is an act of love.

When we use this power:

Empathy reduces loneliness and helps another person feel validated, connected and understood.

Empathy helps the recipient clarify and deepen their comprehension of their own thoughts and feelings, their experiences, the world and social reality.

Empathy helps the recipient become more trusting, more open and honest in expressing their feelings.

Empathy communicates understanding and respect. The recipient doesn't feel the need to be defensive or attack you when you express your feelings.

Empathy helps the recipient listen to your side of a disagreement and work constructively on a problem. It fosters mutual understanding and compassion.

Empathy has the capacity to heal, the capacity to transform a relationship.

When we learn to use empathy:

The giver overcomes their tendency to judge and reject others. The giver becomes more tolerant and compassionate toward the feelings and point of view of others. The impact of what is being said is less personal and makes it easier to understand another perspective.

We overcome separateness and differences. It overcomes the human tendency to be self-concerned and self-centered and to transcend our self and understand the other person’s inner experience.

We improve the quality of communication and problem solving in a relationship.

We open the door for forgiveness.

What is empathy? It is the ability to set aside one's own preoccupation, feeling, thoughts, concerns and advice to focus exclusively on the feelings, concerns and desires of another. By doing this we become free to experience an issue from another's point of view. An empathic person also accepts clarifications and revisions to their response.

To become genuinely empathic we have to become as selfless as possible. It is a skill to be cultivated - to put our ego on the shelf, to put our own personal agenda aside, to pretend for the moment we don't exist so that we can focus exclusively and selflessly on the subjective experience of the other person.

Scuka affirms, "Empathy presupposes that human beings are not intrinsically different from one another. Apparent chasms are bridgeable because we have the underlying capacity to identify with another's experience. At root we are similar."

How can you give empathy? Follow the threads of what is given you. Amplify the implications of what is being said. Help the other person verbalize what he or she hasn't quite managed to say. Imagine the deeper emotional context of what is being shared and try to make explicit what is implicit.

Empathy is about absorbing the other person's mood and putting yourself in their place. It is asking yourself, "What would I be feeling? What would I be wishing or thinking of doing if I were the other person?" Empathy is giving voice to their most important concerns and feelings that they haven't yet managed to express.

Scuka explains empathy this way: "I can make sense out of your experience. I have the capacity to enter into your experience from the inside out and 'become' you. Thereby I can identify with your subjective experience. To accomplish this I use myself as a tool. I use my own humanity to allow me to understand your experience."

Empathy is different than active listening. Empathy is more than mirroring or reflecting back what the other person has said. Active listening can be accurate but not empathic. According to Scuka, empathy involves reading between the lines to bring out and verbalize the unstated, but implied, emotional content of what has been said. "This is the 'gold standard' of empathy."

To be empathic, an empathizer gives full attention, eye contact, and listens intently. Don't call attention to the listening role by using "I" statements. An empathizer uses empathic responses instead of questions. An empathizer uses direct empathic responses such as, "You feel . . .," or, "You're concerned about. . ."

Empathy is given only in a context of kindness and safety. It is that security that encourages further self disclosure. Heightened negative emotions such as anger reduce the ability to be empathic.

How do we learn empathy? By seeing and by doing. Seek out an expert and watch empathy being properly modeled. It can be learned like any other skill. You watch it being done, you practice it and then generalize it to other situations. Consider it a foreign language and approach it with the same diligence. It can be done.

By learning to be empathic, two people can begin speaking a common language - the language of the heart. Adds Scuka, "It is by using this language of the heart that two people deepen their sense of intimacy.

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	About Dr. Farmer Why this Website?Table of Contents Books Contact Dr. Farmer
	Empathy Opens The Door Of The Heart March 1, 1999 I interviewed Rob Scuka, Ph.D., a social worker and Director of the Couples' Programs at the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement in Bethesda, Maryland. He shared with me his ideas about the power of empathy. He believes that next to love, empathy is the best present a parent can give a child. Next to love it is the best thing marriage partners can give each other. It is the best thing you can give to an angry person. It is a gift, an act of service; indeed it is an act of love. When we use this power: Empathy reduces loneliness and helps another person feel validated, connected and understood. Empathy helps the recipient clarify and deepen their comprehension of their own thoughts and feelings, their experiences, the world and social reality. Empathy helps the recipient become more trusting, more open and honest in expressing their feelings. Empathy communicates understanding and respect. The recipient doesn't feel the need to be defensive or attack you when you express your feelings. Empathy helps the recipient listen to your side of a disagreement and work constructively on a problem. It fosters mutual understanding and compassion. Empathy has the capacity to heal, the capacity to transform a relationship. When we learn to use empathy: The giver overcomes their tendency to judge and reject others. The giver becomes more tolerant and compassionate toward the feelings and point of view of others. The impact of what is being said is less personal and makes it easier to understand another perspective. We overcome separateness and differences. It overcomes the human tendency to be self-concerned and self-centered and to transcend our self and understand the other person’s inner experience. We improve the quality of communication and problem solving in a relationship. We open the door for forgiveness. What is empathy? It is the ability to set aside one's own preoccupation, feeling, thoughts, concerns and advice to focus exclusively on the feelings, concerns and desires of another. By doing this we become free to experience an issue from another's point of view. An empathic person also accepts clarifications and revisions to their response. To become genuinely empathic we have to become as selfless as possible. It is a skill to be cultivated - to put our ego on the shelf, to put our own personal agenda aside, to pretend for the moment we don't exist so that we can focus exclusively and selflessly on the subjective experience of the other person. Scuka affirms, "Empathy presupposes that human beings are not intrinsically different from one another. Apparent chasms are bridgeable because we have the underlying capacity to identify with another's experience. At root we are similar." How can you give empathy? Follow the threads of what is given you. Amplify the implications of what is being said. Help the other person verbalize what he or she hasn't quite managed to say. Imagine the deeper emotional context of what is being shared and try to make explicit what is implicit. Empathy is about absorbing the other person's mood and putting yourself in their place. It is asking yourself, "What would I be feeling? What would I be wishing or thinking of doing if I were the other person?" Empathy is giving voice to their most important concerns and feelings that they haven't yet managed to express. Scuka explains empathy this way: "I can make sense out of your experience. I have the capacity to enter into your experience from the inside out and 'become' you. Thereby I can identify with your subjective experience. To accomplish this I use myself as a tool. I use my own humanity to allow me to understand your experience." Empathy is different than active listening. Empathy is more than mirroring or reflecting back what the other person has said. Active listening can be accurate but not empathic. According to Scuka, empathy involves reading between the lines to bring out and verbalize the unstated, but implied, emotional content of what has been said. "This is the 'gold standard' of empathy." To be empathic, an empathizer gives full attention, eye contact, and listens intently. Don't call attention to the listening role by using "I" statements. An empathizer uses empathic responses instead of questions. An empathizer uses direct empathic responses such as, "You feel . . .," or, "You're concerned about. . ." Empathy is given only in a context of kindness and safety. It is that security that encourages further self disclosure. Heightened negative emotions such as anger reduce the ability to be empathic. How do we learn empathy? By seeing and by doing. Seek out an expert and watch empathy being properly modeled. It can be learned like any other skill. You watch it being done, you practice it and then generalize it to other situations. Consider it a foreign language and approach it with the same diligence. It can be done. By learning to be empathic, two people can begin speaking a common language - the language of the heart. Adds Scuka, "It is by using this language of the heart that two people deepen their sense of intimacy.