Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val | |||
Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships | |||
Affection In Marriage Demands The Right TouchMarch 15, 1999 How important is the physical expression of affection in marriage? You say a vital ten percent. What do you mean by "vital"? Occasionally I've seen couples in a counseling setting who have mutually agreed that physical intimacy isn't important in their relationship. If it isn't an issue for them, it isn't an issue. They are making do with the other 90 percent, which can be wonderful in it's own right. More likely though, one partner is concerned or upset by the lack of intimacy in their relationship. I suppose the next question ought to be, what do you mean "regular"? "On average" doesn't mean a programmed schedule, but over time it works out to a predictable frequency. Relationships get in trouble when too much time passes between this vital connection. Anything over a month to six weeks between love-making has the potential for harming the relationship. If a couple goes longer than two or three months without intimacy, it creates distance between them. Why does this happen? Why does sex drop out of their relationship? Oftentimes the way to restore intimacy is by working hard to resolve hurts and problems. Couples need to get along, give acceptance, accommodate one another, be friendly, love each other freely and nourish their marriage. If feelings are positive, loving and supportive, a willingness to be physically close to each other is created. Can the fight be about sex, pure and simple? Right or wrong, his partner perceives the goal to be full blown love-making. To short circuit the process, she adopts a chilly, cold reaction to his touch. He interprets this as rejection and is offended by her lack of warmth and receptivity. In bed and at other times, she would welcome some nonsexual holding and cuddling, but believing that it can't be left at that, she pulls away. This battle isn't about love-making - it is about poor communication and lack of restraint. I recommend that couples practice non-sexual touch to get close so that touching doesn’t mushroom into conflict about sex. In the scenario you just described, what is the answer to break up this cycle? No means "not now." It doesn't mean rejection. Also, women who feel rejected in their overtures to love-making feel equally hurt, upset and angry. It may be a cliche, but husbands need to understand that women aren't as direct "wired' for sexual arousal as men. Emotional and physical foreplay are essential. And other aspects of the relationship are important. Feeling loved, cared for, appreciated, respected, listened to, understood, of being taken seriously - all these things matter. An occasional romantic surprise can be special. What are the most frequent complaints men have? A second complaint has to do with the range of sexual expression. The bottom line is the relationships has to be mutually pleasureable. Some behaviors can't be negotiated. Some can. That is just the way it is. Open, sensitive discussion will clear up any misunderstandings. |
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