Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Are We Pushing Our Teenagers Too Hard?

July 17, 1995

I received a letter from a young man in Illinois who graduated from high school this year. He had a 4.0 grade point average, was valedictorian of his class and won many awards at local, state and national levels. His summer job involves surveying community leaders about youth problems. Quoting from his letter:

One problem that has consistently come up is many youth do not care. . . As I began to think about the problem, I think I have discovered something that has not been addressed by many leaders today - there is a direct relationship between burnout and apathy.

I am a perfectionist by nature and I am a born leader. Consequently, I do a lot of work and do it well. As a result, I find myself with more work to do, less time to do it and less help in getting the project done. . .

The reason I think few adults and teenagers strive for excellence is twofold. First, since more activities are offered, more students are stretched to the limit. A few years ago, the only offered activities were sports, FFA and Student Senate. Now the list contains sports, FBLA, FHA, Scholastic Bowl, JETS, Math Team, Student Senate, FFA, Foreign Language Club, SADD and many other activities outside of school.

I think that many students want to find out what they are interested in and try most of the above mentioned activities and get stressed out. I think that one reason why many adults and students do not care anymore is because they get burnt out while in high school and never recover.

The next reason is closely related and I feel is very different. While in high school, many students want to help but are not given the chance. For example, since a teacher may know my reputation, he may dump the responsibility on me because he knows I will strive to do my best and will see to it that the job gets done.

As a result, a select few start doing all of the work and the average student loses the opportunity to learn valuable leadership, team and life skills. Not only that, but he or she also learns to sit back and let the inner core of workers do all the work.

. . . I am completely clueless about how to fix these problems. How do you teach the core students/workers how to say, 'No. I am already stretched to the limit.' Or how do you put the fire back into a burnt-out student worker? I anxiously await your reply.

Teaching youth to say no. Saying no is an integral part of a youth’s development and identity. The thing they say no to defines them. We usually think of this in terms of negative influences and choices available to them.

Being able to say no to positive competing choices is also a defining moment. What are we going to do with our time? What things are really important? Does the new activity fit in with the things we are trying to accomplish?  Being able to say no to friends and respected individuals who are asking us to do good things takes courage. To do this we need a sense of perspective and purpose, a sense of our own limits and an ability to stand up to pressure.

How do you get the fire back in a burnt out student worker? A parent, counselor, leader, coach, or mentor can:

  • Give them permission to say no and teach how to say no in a socially acceptable manner.
  • Help them think through their goals and take control of their lives so they make their choices for good reasons.
  • Help them understand and accept their limitations.
  • Counsel with them about the importance of leisure, fun and balance in life.

Sharing the burden. People in charge know what kind of person they want. They know some people are in it for the glory, others have to be told what to do and still others say yes and mean no. Those whose who are known for a sense of responsibility and follow through are invited or pressured to take on more and more responsibility. Others aren't asked or hang back and do not get involved.

Leaders have another choice. They can take time to work with and train new leaders and workers. This takes the burden off a select few and broadens the participation and strength of the group. Training takes time, commitment and dedication - something that may be too hard for leaders whose own inner resources are being stretched thin. For those who are interested, write me for a previous column on "Leading Others to Lead Themselves."

Leaders can also take into account the needs, goals and stress levels of the people they are asking to be involved. The "can do," achieving student doesn't need another success experience. Another student might.

Parents, school teachers, administrators and clergy - what do you say to the myriad of extracurricular activities being offered? For the most part, they are good. For a few outstanding young people with perfectionist tendencies they may be too much. Where is the fine line between "using people" for your sake and offering opportunities that stretch and develop them?