Six Simple Truths Of Marriage

What are the simple truths that make for happiness in relationships? How do you create and sustain a happy marriage? What do couples need to do to repair and revive an unhappy marriage?

After twenty years of research, Howard Markman and Clifford Notarius have written a book about couple relationships titled, "We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save your Marriage and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other." This book closely reflects what I think couples need to do to solve their marriage problems.

Here are six simple truths about marriage gleaned from their couples' research.

1. Each relationship contains a hidden reservoir of hope.

Most people mean well. Big fights start with good intentions. Couples don't generally act in deliberately destructive ways. In the heat of conflict, their misguided effort to quell conflict often is like gasoline poured on a fire already burning out of control. When taught better communicating and listening skills, couples can express their positive hope and intent in a better fashion.

2. One "zinger" will erase twenty acts of kindness.

One put-down will erase many hours of kindness shown to a partner. Intimate partners must learn how to manage their anger and control the exchange of negative behavior. Partners in a healthy relationship realize how hurtful their angry barbs can be. They stop short of retaliating with a hurtful comment and find ways of expressing their feelings constructively. They find respectful ways of expressing criticisms and annoyances without resorting to words that hurt - words sometimes not meant - and sadly, words that are remembered.

3. Little changes in you can lead to huge changes in the relationship.

The differences between unhappy and happy couples are actually quite small. Eliminating a few negative behaviors will make a big difference to your partner. Good listening will help. Markman believes that by cutting back on the negative, positive and loving acts will fill in naturally.

Add small acts of kindness and concern to your relationship while subtracting acts of thoughtlessness, meanness or neglect. You don't have control over your partner's behavior but you do have control over your own. Small changes in your behavior may be the trigger that will make a difference - not only to your partner but also to your own feelings of love, attraction and satisfaction.

4. It’s not the differences between partners that cause problems but how the differences are handled when they arise.

It's not differences and disagreements that cause difficulties. It is the lack of understanding and acceptance of differences. Good listening is a key. A partner is a friend and an equal, not a judge or a counselor. Accept each other as you are.

Partners avoid blame, negative characterizations and angry attacks. They learn to lovingly search for middle ground and mutually satisfying solutions. They solve problems together. They put their feelings in gentle hands - trusting that they will be treated with kindness and respect.

5. Men and women fight using different weapons but suffer similar wounds.

Markman and Notarius believe that men and women want the same basic needs - support, acceptance and affection. Everyone wants intimacy and connection. One difference Markman and Notarius do observe is the difficulty men have handling conflict while women have a harder time with emotional distance. Generally men withdraw from uncomfortable arousal while women are more likely to want an immediate resolution through discussion.

6. Partners need to practice relationship skills to become good at them.

Using information gathered in 1980, Markman and Notarius were able to predict - with more than 90 percent accuracy - which couples would be distressed and/or divorced and which ones would be happy ten years later. How couples managed their differences through effective communication and conflict resolution skills was the overwhelming factor in predicting successful relationships. Conversely, destructive communication patterns shown during courtship and early marriage were highly predictive of later difficulties.

The easiest time to learn these skills and methods is early in a relationship, before destructive patterns set in. Premarital couples taught communication techniques by Markman and Notarius had a 50 percent lower rate of breakup and divorce than a comparable group of couples not participating in the program. However, these skills can be learned at any age. Part of Markman and Notarius' training program is to apply these skills in low-conflict, controlled situations and then gradually apply them to major and explosive areas of conflict.

Couples can learn and practice agreed on rules for handling strong, negative feelings that are a part of all relationships. They can learn how to handle their "hot thoughts" and quick tongues. Couples can practice structured exercises to master communication skills that help them become more adept at managing conflict. These changes need to be practiced until they are automatic responses, even under stressful conditions. People can change if they work at it.

Do you find hope in this? I do. When couples learn to behave politely and constructively with conflict, the rest of marriage will seem like a picnic.