How To Be Effective Parents

What characteristics do effective parents have in common?

This was the question I posed to psychologist experts Howard Markman of the University of Denver, Diana Kirschner of Gwynedd Valley, PA, Gloria Vanderhorst of Towson, MD and sociologist, Phillip Kunz of Brigham Young University.

Markman and his colleague, Clifford Notarius wrote a book, "We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other." In this book they outline six key truths that can turn around most marriages. Their research has shown that these principles are highly predictive of which couples stay together and which ones don't. The same principles predict which families will have problems and which ones won't.

The key concept is that family life can benefit by managing conflict constructively, by controlling anger and by keeping the relationship with children and adolescents overwhelmingly positive. Markman stresses that by eliminating the negative interactions, powerful changes can take place.

Markman points out research that shows parents use the same style of handling differences with their spouse as they use with their children. How parents handle differences with each other also teaches children basic communication skills.

Communication skills are important. Parents and children are coached not to escalate arguments, not respond in turn and to overlook provocative comments. Children benefit by discussion, by being heard and listened to.

If he were to publish another book on parenting, he would add a seventh truth - "Be a team." He thinks parents need to talk out parenting issues and develop plans of action, contingencies and to support each other. Single parents need to link up with their ex-spouse, a new partner, friend, mother or others, to talk out various parenting issues.

Kirschner also believes good parenting starts with a growth promoting marriage. Effective parents enhance each other, support and respect each other's roles and work. They turn to each other for nurturing and healing, for listening and attention, and for affection and sexual passion. They are receptive to advice from their partner so they do not inflict their own negative childhood parenting experiences on their children.

Kirschner believes in involving children in discussions of limit setting and family rules. Despite this openness, parents are clearly in charge of what happens. Positive discipline is characterized by a matter of fact, dispassionate application of rules and consequences - without anger and hostility. 

Parents need to be clear about their own sense of values and structure for their family. Besides discipline, Kirschner emphasizes the importance of family rituals, traditions, rites of passage, and family celebration for each individual. Family members support each other's endeavors. They value children for their own unique talents, strengths and endeavors.

Kirschner believes that one parent should set limits and coach their same sex children while the other parent serves as the nurturer - the sugar Mommy or Sugar Daddy - to their opposite sex children. This does two things. Children will internalize values and identify with the more powerful parent and use the opposite sex parent as a model for high expectations in their friendships and courtship experiences.

Vanderhorst believes parents need to team up in the parenting process. They can also turn to others within their spiritual and religious community to find other families working on the same issues.

Single parents need to team up with an outside source for parenting ideas and to be held accountable for their parenting. Having someone to confide in about parenting helps them take a long range perspective and get needed support.

Vanderhorst also emphasizes teaching boys to have a larger vocabulary to express feelings, develop empathy and control their expressions of anger. With girls, she believes they need to maintain their competence when they reach middle school years. Parents need to encourage daughters to be assertive and to take risks with their strengths as they continue to work toward personal goals.

Parents should be willing to talk about their own lives, their successes and failures, and their strengths and weaknesses. By being open and authentic, parents can pass on lessons they have learned about life to their children.

Kunz, along with his fellow sociologist, William Dyer, studied highly successful Utah families. The families had a paradoxical combination of high control, high expectations and freedom for their children. Although parents and children lived busy lives with lots of activities, they took the time to explain and discuss expectations, values and consequences. Children set personal goals, learned the work ethic and had opportunities to manage their own money.

These families also showed a deep sense of family traditions, family history and spiritual commitment. Prizing each individual for their accomplishments, family fun and celebrations fostered family unity. Parents took time to nurture their own relationship away from the children. They also monitored the friendship patterns of their children and encouraged high quality friendships.

Anyone can parent - whether they come from an intact two parent family, a dysfunctional family or a single parent family. It takes commitment, dedication, teamwork, example, teaching and communication to pull it off. Most important, family atmosphere and relationships need to be kept positive.