Father Helping Too Much Brings Resentment, Not Appreciation

            Have you ever had someone be too good to you? Johnny-on-the-spot? Remember Jeannie’s line in the old TV sitcom, “I Dream of Jeannie?” “Your wish is my command.”

That would sure make life easier. Or would it? I’ve seen situations where parents have been too good to their adult children. They wouldn’t like to admit it, but there is a price tag. The price tag is appreciation and gratitude. If they aren’t treated just right, then they feel like martyrs.

A true story. I knew this farm family once in a distant state. Their names are disguised. The father, Bob, retired early from a manufacturing job. He took on himself the goal of helping his son, Jeff, with his farming. Bob had managed his money well and didn’t need an income from farming.

Bob deeded over farm land and then he would go to Jeff’s farm every day to help farm. Bob loved farming. It was what he always wanted to do. Bob’s goal and greatest desire was to help his son in every way he could.

Bob could let go of the big decisions - what to plant, how to market, when to buy equipment, etc. Jeff was a sharp and able farmer who could keep an off-farm job going because of his father’s help.

Both were strong-minded, opinionated men who had definite ideas on how to do things. They would clash. Jeff would clam up and be resentful. Jeff would ignore his father and give him a look bordering on contempt.

Bob was a big talker, full of ideas on the right and wrong way to do things. He came across as critical and bossy. He wasn’t a good listener. He didn’t watch his tongue and would throw a fit sometimes when he saw a problem.

Bob wanted appreciation and respect and he wasn’t getting either. His “help” had a price tag - not financial but emotional. He also felt free to give his unvarnished opinion whenever he felt like it. It came across as control even though he didn’t mean it that way. He was really looking for conversation and to start a dialogue about farming. Instead he was getting brushed off.

Each night Bob and Jeff went to their own homes to lick their wounds and go over the clashes of the day. In the winter they would make amends but the cycle of clashing would start again in the spring and usually reach a crescendo during harvest.

The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law got along fine. The relationship with the grandchildren was special. However, with the repeated tensions on the farm, both women were forced to side with their husband. Strain developed between the families. Life in both families turned miserable.

Though Jeff’s track record in farming was exceptional, he felt his Dad was undercutting his feeling of pride and accomplishment. He wanted to pay his own way, face the consequences of his decisions and feel more in charge of the farm. In the big picture he really was, but his daily clashes with Dad over small things hurt. He didn’t hear many comments of approval.

In subtle ways, Bob’s constant presence, his need to be keep busy and to be involved would disrupt Jeff’s schedule. Sometimes Bob would go ahead and do things his way anyway before they reached a consensus.

Does this story get to a happy ending? Yes!

Bob learned to focus in on his own life and retirement goals. He had to back off in how often he went to the farm, to go only when invited and to do what Jeff wanted done. Bob had to learn how to listen and control his temper. By doing less, going less often and only when needed, he was welcome on the place. Bob was treated well instead of as a pain in the behind.

Jeff learned to share instead of clam up with his father, involve him in discussions about the farm and give him common courtesy, respect and thanks. He learned that problems could be solved by communications. He had to change too.

Moral of the story. Setting aside the issues of poor communications, what is the moral of this story?

Parents, be careful about doing too much for your adult children. Be careful to not give away something you depend on for happiness. Don’t give away the farm and then expect things to be your way. The arrangements can be fair and generous but not so one-sided that it is your life instead of theirs.

The “help” you give isn't always wanted, especially if it comes with a price tag of emotional control. Your help is perceived as an irritation. Instead of getting appreciation and attention, you are ignored and blamed.

Put yourself in your son or daughter’s shoes. How do you appreciate something that is given to you before the need is felt? How do you thank someone for robbing you of your space and freedom to struggle, to make mistakes and enjoy success on your own terms?

Parents, if you have been successful, don’t take over your children’s responsibility to fend for themselves. Trust them. Tend to your own life and goals, not theirs. Move on to something else. Get involved with meaningful goals of your own that require sustained effort and time. When they ask and when you have to squeeze out time from your busy life, it will be appreciated.