Beware-Sex Minefields Ahead

June 17, 1996

Many educated and well-meaning people throw up their hands in resignation when they look at the number of teenagers and young adults engaging in high risk sex. The best we can do, they say, is to encourage protected or safe sex in view of such powerful social forces and trends. To expect young people to say no to sex is not realistic.

I disagree. I think the case for not having sex is much more compelling. Check out these high explosive reasons for saying no versus the "everybody is doing it" argument. Why walk through a minefield?

1. HIV and AIDS can cost you your life. Heterosexual transmission of AIDS is a reality. It is not just about needles and homosexuality.

2. You can get other sexually transmitted diseases - herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital warts and chlamydia, etc. Many of these can go unnoticed in females but can cause cancer and sterility.

3. Teen pregnancy has devastating social, emotional and economic consequences:

There is the anguish and moral impact of abortion.

There is the heartache of giving up a child for adoption.

There is the stress of mothering at an early age.

There are high-risk birth and development complications for low birth weight infants born to teen mothers

There is the suffering of far-reaching social and economic consequences when raising an out-of-wedlock child. What about an education and the parent's future life? There are also tremendous costs to society for the emotional, social and criminal problems of children raised in a single parent, out-of-wedlock home.

A teen marriage has a high probability of divorce. Teens are not yet at a point in life where they can easily put another person's interests and needs ahead of their own.

4. Premarital intercourse predicts higher rates of divorce. The myth of living to insure sexual compatibility is wrong. Forty percent of "living together" couples breakup and the remaining 60 percent who marry have a higher divorce rate than couples who never live together.

5. Premarital intercourse predicts higher rates of marital infidelity. The precedent for not being sexually exclusive has already been set. Abstinence enhances the quality of sex life after marriage. There are no ghosts in the bedroom.

6. Premarital intercourse lowers feelings of self-worth when it violates deeply held personal, family and religious values. Feelings of guilt, depression and anxiety are common. In a Cedar Rapids Iowa study, 62 percent of high school girls and 39 percent of boys expressed regret over their first intercourse experience.

After sexual intimacies have been shared, rejection can be overwhelming. It is a direct challenge to self esteem and sexual adequacy. Trust is harder in subsequent relationships.

When couples see sex between dating partners as a part of the process of building a long term relationship, they have to make sexual decisions on shaky ground. Many females reluctantly engage in intercourse to be appealing or to maintain a relationship that has already been established. Once she has engaged in intercourse, she may think she has lost her right to say no to her partner. Consenting to sex when you don't want it causes negative emotions.

7. Sexual relations without a marriage commitment complicates a couple's ability to solve meaningful relationship problems. Some problems can't be faced because of insecurity and lack of trust. Having sex may cause a crisis of commitment and lead to a couple breaking up. The less committed lover becomes frightened and backs off.

8. Sexual relations with many partners destroys the connection between commitment and sexual relations and clouds judgment in courtship.

Males are less likely to commit to marriage and engage in meaningful psychological intimacy if sex is a part of the relationship. Males can and do engage in non-relational sex but still apply a double standard to the women they date. They want their long-term mate to be sexually exclusive.

Many men engage in sexual relations without giving emotional intimacy. They pursue women as sex objects to release sexual tension, prove themselves and feel adequate as a male.

Engaging in casual sex or sex without care and commitment conditions males to detach sex from feeling. This limits their capacity to truly enjoy intimate sexual relationships. In an extreme form, this can cause sexual addiction and sexual aggression against women and children.

Females who engage in casual sex give less of themselves in relationships, have more concurrent affairs, and receive less love and emotional intimacy from partners. They prefer partners based on physical attractiveness and disregard important factors in courtship such as agreeableness, emotional stability, kindness and consideration, willingness to share resources and willingness to give and receive in a relationship.

By engaging in sex without commitment, females disqualify themselves from being a candidate for marriage in the minds of males who are willing to engage in short term, sexually motivated relationships. The male will reserve their commitment for someone who has a track record for being sexually exclusive.

9. For believers in the Ten Commandments, premarital sex and adultery is a violation of God's law.

Abstinence is a great message, not one to sneer at. Why protect yourself with a flack jacket when you can just walk around this minefield?

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	About Dr. Farmer Why this Website?Table of Contents Books Contact Dr. Farmer
	Beware-Sex Minefields Ahead June 17, 1996 Many educated and well-meaning people throw up their hands in resignation when they look at the number of teenagers and young adults engaging in high risk sex. The best we can do, they say, is to encourage protected or safe sex in view of such powerful social forces and trends. To expect young people to say no to sex is not realistic. I disagree. I think the case for not having sex is much more compelling. Check out these high explosive reasons for saying no versus the "everybody is doing it" argument. Why walk through a minefield? 1. HIV and AIDS can cost you your life. Heterosexual transmission of AIDS is a reality. It is not just about needles and homosexuality. 2. You can get other sexually transmitted diseases - herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital warts and chlamydia, etc. Many of these can go unnoticed in females but can cause cancer and sterility. 3. Teen pregnancy has devastating social, emotional and economic consequences: There is the anguish and moral impact of abortion. There is the heartache of giving up a child for adoption. There is the stress of mothering at an early age. There are high-risk birth and development complications for low birth weight infants born to teen mothers There is the suffering of far-reaching social and economic consequences when raising an out-of-wedlock child. What about an education and the parent's future life? There are also tremendous costs to society for the emotional, social and criminal problems of children raised in a single parent, out-of-wedlock home. A teen marriage has a high probability of divorce. Teens are not yet at a point in life where they can easily put another person's interests and needs ahead of their own. 4. Premarital intercourse predicts higher rates of divorce. The myth of living to insure sexual compatibility is wrong. Forty percent of "living together" couples breakup and the remaining 60 percent who marry have a higher divorce rate than couples who never live together. 5. Premarital intercourse predicts higher rates of marital infidelity. The precedent for not being sexually exclusive has already been set. Abstinence enhances the quality of sex life after marriage. There are no ghosts in the bedroom. 6. Premarital intercourse lowers feelings of self-worth when it violates deeply held personal, family and religious values. Feelings of guilt, depression and anxiety are common. In a Cedar Rapids Iowa study, 62 percent of high school girls and 39 percent of boys expressed regret over their first intercourse experience. After sexual intimacies have been shared, rejection can be overwhelming. It is a direct challenge to self esteem and sexual adequacy. Trust is harder in subsequent relationships. When couples see sex between dating partners as a part of the process of building a long term relationship, they have to make sexual decisions on shaky ground. Many females reluctantly engage in intercourse to be appealing or to maintain a relationship that has already been established. Once she has engaged in intercourse, she may think she has lost her right to say no to her partner. Consenting to sex when you don't want it causes negative emotions. 7. Sexual relations without a marriage commitment complicates a couple's ability to solve meaningful relationship problems. Some problems can't be faced because of insecurity and lack of trust. Having sex may cause a crisis of commitment and lead to a couple breaking up. The less committed lover becomes frightened and backs off. 8. Sexual relations with many partners destroys the connection between commitment and sexual relations and clouds judgment in courtship. Males are less likely to commit to marriage and engage in meaningful psychological intimacy if sex is a part of the relationship. Males can and do engage in non-relational sex but still apply a double standard to the women they date. They want their long-term mate to be sexually exclusive. Many men engage in sexual relations without giving emotional intimacy. They pursue women as sex objects to release sexual tension, prove themselves and feel adequate as a male. Engaging in casual sex or sex without care and commitment conditions males to detach sex from feeling. This limits their capacity to truly enjoy intimate sexual relationships. In an extreme form, this can cause sexual addiction and sexual aggression against women and children. Females who engage in casual sex give less of themselves in relationships, have more concurrent affairs, and receive less love and emotional intimacy from partners. They prefer partners based on physical attractiveness and disregard important factors in courtship such as agreeableness, emotional stability, kindness and consideration, willingness to share resources and willingness to give and receive in a relationship. By engaging in sex without commitment, females disqualify themselves from being a candidate for marriage in the minds of males who are willing to engage in short term, sexually motivated relationships. The male will reserve their commitment for someone who has a track record for being sexually exclusive. 9. For believers in the Ten Commandments, premarital sex and adultery is a violation of God's law. Abstinence is a great message, not one to sneer at. Why protect yourself with a flack jacket when you can just walk around this minefield?