Do you feel stuck in a marriage with poor communication habits? Do you have too many
arguments that go nowhere and stir up with hostility and hurt feelings? Do you start off
with the best intentions only to have your conversations deteriorate into anger, retorts,
withdrawal, and frustration?
You have worked to solve these problems on your own. Recognize that your best efforts
havent been good enough. Goodness knows how many times and different ways
youve tried to get to the bottom of your conflicts.
Talking about problems actually makes things worse. One of you still wants to try to
talk things out while the other recognizes the destructive pattern and is reluctant to
open up the same wounds and hurt. Yet without talking nothing will be solved either. Are
you starting to wonder how you are ever going turn things around?
If your marriage has a history of unresolved conflict, poor communications and
problem-solving, then here are some ideas to try.
Go for counseling. Try counseling while you still have the energy and goodwill
toward each other. Consider the delight of your courtship, the good times and memories of
your marriage, the commitment you have to your children to provide a loving home and your
own sense of honor about the promises you made when you entered into the covenant of
marriage. Your marriage is worth the fight to save it.
Most marriage problems of this nature can be solved. Find a trusted third party who can
work with your problems to restore order and goodwill to your discussions. Get the best
word of mouth referral you can get. If you dont click with the counselor or the
counseling doesnt seem to work, try someone else.
Go while you both feel like trying. Dont wait until most feelings are dead and
basic commitment is questioned. Marriage counseling is harder when one party is
indifferent or skeptical and the other one is panicked and desperate.
The best way to avoid divorce is to address problems soon enough. If you get no for an
answer and then go underground with your discouragement, pretty soon the shoe will be on
the other foot and your partner will want counseling while you feel it wont do any
good.
Take a break. Once you are in counseling, relax and allow the counselor to guide
you through the morass of conflict. Be patient. Take hope. You already know what happens
when you argue on your own. It leads to further disappointment and you dont need to
be more discouraged than you are.
The anxious partner who feels the most apprehension about the marriage may have trouble
letting go of his or her need to speed up the process. If fact, it is their misguided and
relentless pressure that has become a part of the problem. His or her partner often feels
harassed and blamed for trying to avoid arguments that in their judgment only makes things
worse. The avoidant spouse wants to solve the problems but in a context of emotional
safety and mutual respect.
Keep the peace. What do you do? You remain positive or neutral with each other.
Drop your anger and hostility. Keep the peace. This will be a needed relief. Make small
talk. Visit about everything but the "hot button" issues that need to be
addressed in counseling.
With the commitment to counseling, your real concerns will be addressed systematically.
The fact that your partner has agreed to counseling is a bold statement about his or her
willingness to work on your problems. That is enough for right now.
Get away from "tit for tat." By this point both partners have usually
withdrawn from actively meeting their partner's needs or are engaged in a power struggle.
When needs are not being met, one common tactic is to be unpleasant as a means of forcing
or coercing change from their partner. Husbands and wives react to each other with anger
and/or deny each other pleasure and intimacy in hopes that their partner will respond with
love and warmth.
It doesnt work. Unfortunately, each partner sees the other as withholding love.
They are waiting for the "quid pro quo," an attitude of "I will do this if
you do that." The only problem is that "that" doesnt happen and
nobody is being constructive.
Be good to each other. Instead of just engaging in the "tit for tat"
mentality, each partner can independently go out of his or her way to please their
partner regardless of their partners response. The goodwill created by loving acts
makes it easier for a mate to lower their defenses and respond in kind.
How can couples get back that loving feeling? Ask what is wanted. Act on what you
learn. Is it a back rub? Is it a walk? Pick out a few things that are easy for you to do.
Do them daily and with no strings attached. Be kind. Show your love in unexpected ways.
Have some fun together. When important needs are being met, couples begin to identify with
each other as a source of pleasure once again.
The miracle is, as you turn your attention and energy to meeting your partners
needs, the love you send out will be welcomed and perhaps evoke a loving response. When a
couple simultaneously act in loving ways, it sets the stage for counseling to be
effective. But if you cant do that, being neutral instead of negative is a big step
in the right direction.