Finding A Healthy Balance Between Generations

In an ideal world, parents are respectful of boundaries, yet supportive, and generous with their resources and available to assist with life emergencies. Family gatherings, holidays and visits are planned with respect for the children’s agenda and needs. Requests are negotiated between families with understanding and acceptance for each other’s needs and wishes.

Parents fill their own lives with purpose and social support without demanding or needing their adult children to play a role in their happiness. They accept what their children are willing to give socially.

Parents continue to nourish their own friendships. They thrill to their adult children’s successes - despite the fact that their children’s lives have their own rhythms and schedules that make them less available for family activities.

Grandchildren are a natural focal point of interest between the generations. Both parents and grandparents encourage precious grandparent/grandchild bonds. They share a mutual concern for, and a delight in, the well being of the rising generation. Grandparents play a meaningful role in helping these children learn who they are and bask in the love and enjoyment of extended family.

Guilt trips. In a less than ideal world, some parents feel like the debt their children owe them is forever unpaid. Instead of asking, they demand. Instead of respecting their right to choose, parents try to manipulate their children’s choices through guilt. Instead of letting go, they try to clutch and control their children. They act as if they made payments to an emotional Social Security account during their child rearing years and now the bill is coming due.

It is the son or daughter they want and not the grandchildren. They keep score of past hurts and neglects, invent reasons to be angry and put strings on their love. Their feelings of neediness and entitlement spoil whatever gifts time and attention their children may bring. What the children do is never quite good enough.

Denying family access. This is a two way street. There are some parents who fully understand boundaries and aren’t given a chance to have the relationship they would like with their children and grandchildren.

It is the children who remember past hurts, feel too threatened or angry about the past, and are unable to forgive or let go. They are getting even for some real or imagined injustice in their lives.

There are some adult children who still want a "mommy" or a "daddy" to take care of them and immediately regress in their presence. It is the children who still need to grow up, not the parents.

Truly becoming an adult. A great landmark of adulthood is coming to see parents as flawed, imperfect human beings who meant well and did their best despite their backgrounds and limitations.

Even if parents were irresponsible in some major way, it is still important to forgive and let go of the

past. Events from childhood explain a lot but are not an excuse for one’s own problems and weaknesses. As long as a child remains angry and unforgiving, he or she hurts him or herself only by fearing or blaming their parents.

Adult children must learn to see their parents’ lives from a perspective of an adult and forgive their all-to-human deficiencies. It is time to stop expecting them to "get it" and magically turn into the perfect parents that were always desired. It does little good to whine or rage childishly at their imperfections.

How to cultivate respectful relationships with parents.

- Get them to tell stories from their lives. Ask them to tell you family stories or stories from their lives. Tell your stories from your perspective. Thank them for memories from the past. Ask about what they were doing at your age. When you understand their lives from their perspective, this will demystify them and help bring peace to your relationship.

- Invite them to care for you by doing a service or a favor. Parents can be ready-made friends for life when they re invited to participate in your family life and offer love and service to you and to your children. Give them an opportunity to feel useful.

- Travel with them. Get out of your or their element. Different patterns of interaction will develop. Create new memories together.

- Invite them to do things with you.

- Ask about their lives. Show interest in what they are doing. Call them out of interest and not just when there is a problem or an occasion to celebrate.

- Give them opportunities to be your cheerleader or critic. Respectfully ask for their advice before they have a chance to offer it. Put them in a consultant role and consider their opinions as you make your own decisions. Thank them for their advice. Accept their influence without compromising your own independence.

- Don’t hide things from them. You are an adult and so are they. Share the ups and downs of life with them.

- Praise them in front of their friends. Praise them in front of casual neighbors or even in front of strangers.

- Remember them on birthdays, holidays and special occasions. Be thankful and appreciative for the extra efforts and gifts they give. As adults, appreciation and gift giving go in both directions.

Good family life includes healthy, respectful interactions between generations. It is wonderful blessing to everyone’s lives when it happens. "Let go" and see if what you want doesn’t happen naturally.