Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Farmers Facing The Challenges Of Widowhood

September 20, 2010

A new widower farmer faces a new life of breaking new ground without his life companion and soulmate. His wife’s death causes changes that are deep and profound. It is impossible to anticipate and prepare for them.

However, there are some attitudes and behaviors that will help make this catastrophic loss more bearable.

1. Learn the basics of survival. Most older farmers grew up in an era of sharp sex role distinctions. Despite being good at fixing most everything under the sun, they have usually neglected the basics of cooking, laundry, health care and other domestic skills.

2. Give yourself permission to grieve. A man used to fixing things and rigging up solutions is confronted with a problem that cannot be fixed. There is no control, no solution, no cleverness that is going to change a thing. The only way to get through it is to go through it.

The loss is the injury. Grieving is the healing. This is not a test of whether a man can endure his pain silently. Part of accepting what has happened is to feel the pain and misery of the loss and to express it.

Grief is not a disease to get over. It is not something to ignore and pretend it is not there. It is a misguided notion that tears are weak and wrong. Part of oneself is missing. The void and emptiness are real. Share your sadness and emotions.

3. Avoid alcohol. Men who use alcohol as a coping tool will lean on it even more heavily to mask their emotions and their loneliness. Abusing alcohol does not help and it will cause its own set of problems.

4. Use caution in operating farm equipment. This is a dangerous time for farm accidents. A grieving man is preoccupied with his thoughts. More than ordinary precautions need to be taken when operating power equipment.

5. Stay socially active. A farmer’s past social activity and past support system will determine how comfortable he is in turning to others after his wife's death. He needs to continue his habits and mingle with children, friends and relatives. Research shows that widowers without a good social support system are at greater risk for health problems and an earlier death.

7. Rethink your personal goals. A man needs to continue to work toward meaningful goals despite the loss of his lifelong companion. Part of successful coping is to find purpose and enjoyment in life. Be active and regain a focus for your new life alone.

8. Accept your children’s help. Adult children, their spouses and your grandchildren can help fill the void left by the loss of a companion. They give their father/grandfather extra attention through invitations and phone calls. They come to visit or invite him for holidays and special occasions.

This is an awkward time for a father who isn’t used to intruding into his children’s lives. As much as he may wish to resist their invitations and desire to be close, he needs to accept their love and presence in his life. They, more than anyone, share his pain and loss.

9. A quick remarriage is not the answer. The most intense time of grief is during the first three to five years. Widowers do not live as long living alone as women who lose their mates. Men, in their haste to deal with their loneliness, act too quickly. Widowers who remarry do so an average of 1.7 years while widows wait an average of 3.8 years.

By remarrying too soon, a widower may carry active grieving and expectations into this new relationship. He will quickly realize that the woman he married is a distinct personality in her own right with her own habits, expectations, goals and values. Tensions, arguments and stalemates can develop in marriages made in haste.

A man’s flexibility and ability to communicate will lessen the possibility of too much conflict in the remarriage. Life cannot be the way it used to be. A wife cannot be "replaced." A remarriage should be on a sound foundation of mutual interests and values.

Marrying someone from the local community increases the chances that a new spouse's view of life and expectations about farming will match the widower's own values. She will already have her own place and identity in the community. She will have fewer adjustments to make.

Also, any farming arrangements with adult children and the reality of the interdependent nature of those relationships need to be understood and accepted - just as acceptance of her family is crucial.

10. Be patient and open with children about your remarriage plans. It is easy to forget that the children are also grieving the loss of their mother. Their cool reaction or hostility to a new marriage may be a reflection of their own grieving.

If the remarriage isn’t done in haste, children will generally accept and be glad for dad's need for a companion. Love has come into his life. A prenuptial agreement will eliminate fears of a rightful inheritance being channeled to their father's new wife or her side of the family at his death. Openness and communications will prevent resentment and problems from developing down the road.