What A Difference Positive Self-Esteem Makes

What is self-esteem, and why is it so important? Self-esteem is an overall judgment we make about our own ability to cope with life, the worth of our actions and how acceptable these actions are to ourselves and others. We base these judgments on standards learned from our families, our culture and our religious training.

People with low self-esteem often feel incapacitated by their own attitudes and emotions. This prevents them from fully enjoying and participating in life. They are beset with fear, doubt and uncertainty.

People with low self-esteem are less assertive, more dependent and, in general, more vulnerable to the stresses of life. They may feel anxious, depressed, fearful and defensive or sense a lack of control over the things they want from life. Such people often are preoccupied with themselves and chronically concerned about being accepted and approved of by others.

On the other hand, people with high self-esteem are peaceful and calm, optimistic about their ability to cope and believers in the goodness of the world. They have a creative, problem-solving approach to the challenges of life. Such positive people have more ambition and persistence in working toward goals.

Are there different degrees of self-esteem, like everything else? We can feel prepared and capable in some situations but totally inadequate in others. We don't always fit in. We don't always know what to do.

People with high self-esteem don’t judge themselves too harshly for these feelings of inadequacy. Their basic belief in themselves is unshaken by temporary factors. Those with low self-esteem, however, interpret such situations as further evidence of their own overall shortcomings.

How much of the way we feel about ourselves today can be traced to childhood? We learn to value ourselves by the way we are valued and loved by our parents and others close to us. Families provide building blocks for self-esteem by giving us love and acceptance, opportunities to learn, freedom to make choices and expressing consistent messages of worth.

School success is important to self-esteem as is feeling liked and approved by one’s peers. "Nothing succeeds like success" starts early and leads to future success.

If we've grown up not feeling good about ourselves, can we rise above our backgrounds? A person’s perceptions and early experiences linger and are powerful. The love and acceptance of others can provide an emotional corrective experience to an early experience. A person’s old beliefs about him or herself can change.

People can and do learn to be more accurate in their appraisals of themselves. They find their niche in life and learn to be confident of their judgments, priorities and abilities despite competing standards of acceptable behavior.

Where does guilt figure in? People can fail in their attempts to measure up to their own legitimate expectations and ideals. Abraham Lincoln said, "When I do good, I feel good and when I don’t do good, I don't feel good." In his simplicity, Lincoln was on to something.

Our conscience may not let us rest if we are dishonest about or afraid to do what we know is right. Deep inside, our conscience demands our loyalty and integrity. It demands that we be as good as we can be. Guilt is real and can be a legitimate cause for low self-esteem.

If the problem is current, then the issue is our fear or laziness that prevents us from doing what needs to be done. If we believe some action is important and we are not taking it, our self -image will suffer. If we are not happy with ourselves, others will suffer, too.

Can people be too hard on themselves? If we have truly learned from and corrected a problem, then forgiveness is in order. Aside from the merits of dealing with guilt based on our religious beliefs, self-forgiveness is also essential. This isn’t about rationalizing or justifying past wrongs.

We learn from our mistakes. Experiences that have been corrected are stepping stones in growth. We ought to judge ourselves for what we are now, not what we have been.

Some things happen that are out of our control. These setbacks affect self-esteem and confidence. They bring feelings of failure, rejection, and displacement. This can be confusing and dispiriting. As a person copes successfully with crisis and change, they recover their feelings of competence, importance and belonging. A person who has endured hardships has confidence to cope with new problems when they occur.

What else can we do to raise our self-esteem? We need friends and loved ones to be honest with us. Our friends and loved ones affirm our positive qualities and gently remind us of our negative ones. More often than not, such friends are good listeners who don’t judge us as we’re sorting things out. Counseling and self-help groups can also help.

Another key to developing self-esteem is having a strong feeling of optimism and belief in oneself that allows us to take risks. We work toward becoming the kind of person we want to be.

The path to self-esteem is encouraged by parents, spouses, friends and neighbors who share love, loyalty, approval and belief in our possibilities. With that kind of support, seeds of self-confidence can bud, blossom and bear wonderful fruit!