How Sudden Death Complicates Grief

A friend of mine lost a 19 year old son to a drug overdose. His world turned upside down. What is that world like?

Death is death. The person we know is irrevocably gone. All death is difficult, yet a sudden, unanticipated death - an accident, homicide, suicide - offers additional complications to the grief and mourning process.

Sudden death. With a sudden death, grief is often intense. Survivors may experience explosive and frightening emotions such as confusion, disorganization, vulnerability, guilt, fear, and anger. The loss overwhelms them.

Rage responses are common. The sense of justice about the nature of the death turns the normal anger of grief into rage and helplessness. These emotions express a desire to restore things to the way they were before the death. Healthy grief requires that intrusive and explosive emotions be expressed, not repressed.

Intense emotions to sudden death. Here are some responses of parents to the loss of a child who died an accidental death as a teenager or young adult:

"In one instant, my life was changed. My world was shattered. It was turned upside-down."

"For two months, I went through intense physical pain. It was so intense thought I was going to die. My heart was being squeezed out of me. My head felt like it was going to explode. I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke."

"It was like a cannonball landed on your chest."

"I couldn't remember things. I lost my concentration. I thought I was going crazy."

"I had to think, ‘What can I do tomorrow to get out of bed?’ I went through the motions. If you felt numb for the rest of your life, you'd be blest. Nothing made a difference. Everything in this world seemed so frivolous."

"You think to yourself, how could this accident have been prevented. It should never have happened! The threads of possibilities run through your mind. You ask the ‘whys’ over and over again."

"He is gone. That little boy is gone. All those years of love are gone."

"There will never be a full measure of happiness in my life. One of us is missing."

The painful memories of how the loved one died intrude and taint the special memories of the life that was lived. "Goodbye’s" were not said. Unfinished business, especially unresolved conflict, will remain unfinished.

Searching for meaning. Sometimes parents feel overwhelmed with guilt and self-blame. A sense of failure comes from wondering how they did not meet their loved one’s needs. "Where did I drop the ball? Where or how could I have helped more?"

Survivors of traumatic, violent death deal with unanswerable questions, "Why?" and, "Why this way?" The survivor asks and searches for meaning. Every clue, every event in the chain of events leading to death is

analyzed. The tragic death has to be assimilated into a religious or philosophical frame of reference.

The meaning and purpose of life are called into question along with God’s role in human affairs. Doubts are normal. Past understandings may not be adequate for the present situation.

Feelings of vulnerability. The sudden death may also create feelings of vulnerability, anxiety and an increased awareness of one's own mortality. The world seems to be no longer predictable, controllable or just.

One sudden event can change everything. Trust is shattered. Traumatic death calls into question the goodness of the world, of other people and one’s own ability to cope.

Psychologist Seymour Epstein observed, "By being sufficiently guarded, hostile, and rejecting, the person ensures that he or she will never again be vulnerable in the same manner he or she was when overwhelmed by the traumatic experience." People have to work through their loss to restore their sense of security and trust in the world.

Delayed grief. Often the response of well-meaning friends and family is to push or speed up the grieving process. "Chin up." "Hurry up." "Buck up." "Get it behind you." Their own discomfort and lack of knowledge of the grieving process makes them pull back or pull away from the grieving survivor before grieving and mourning can take place. Normal grief is sometimes delayed grief.

Victims often experience a delayed onset to their grieving. Ongoing support is crucial for a year to two-and-a-half years after the tragedy. The big rush of support in the beginning is important but it is only a good start. Victims take four or five months after a death to feel like they can benefit or even participate in a bereavement support group.

Support is vital six, eight, ten months after a tragedy when people are really able and willing to process their grief and reach out for the social support and connection they need. That need is just as real as attending the funeral or visiting and giving the survivor attention during the first few weeks after the loss.

When the unthinkable happens, we need to be there - quickly - and then stay in there for the long haul. Most of us understand the first part. The second part depends on the survivor’s timetable, not ours.