Advice For June Brides And Grooms

Getting married is one thing, having a happy and rewarding marriage is another. Here are four aspects of your life together that will serve to put a good foundation under your marriage. These four principles are commitment, meeting needs, minimizing conflict and effective communications and problem solving.

1. Commitment. Commitment is the foundation. It forms the basis for trust though a certain amount of trust needs to occur during courtship to create the marriage in the first place. Commitment in marriage means:

- Each partner feels free to reveal themselves to each other in a confidential relationship of safety and trust. Trust is built on honesty and fidelity.

- There is loyalty in the exchange of confidences and the exclusive sharing of emotional and physical intimacy. A private world is developed that takes precedence over all other relationships. It means shielding oneself from potentially competitive relationships by observing appropriate boundaries.

- There is patience and tolerance with each other's weaknesses. It means acceptance of certain imperfections or idiosyncracies that don’t detract from the love and respect you have for each other. When your partner has annoying habits, there is a recognition that true changes may take time.

- Marriage means for better or for worst. An emotional investment is made of one’s time and energy in nurturing of the relationship. Each partner depends on the other during times of adversity, illness, disability, aging and other trials of life. Couples honor their commitment even when it means personal hardship and sacrifice.

2. Meeting needs. This is the fun part of marriage. This is why couples want to be together. Two can survive better than one. They are happier together than apart. Needs vary with the individual. Each partner cares enough to find out the particular needs of their partner and makes meeting them a priority. Meeting needs in marriage means:

- The couple provides within the marriage a place for belonging, acceptance, affection, love, emotional support, companionship, understanding, and sharing faith and belief. They enjoy sexual intimacy and pleasure. It is through emotional and physical intimacy that the bond of love will grow.

- Marriage is where you can love another person fully and completely through serving one another, giving and sacrificing for the other's well being. The lubricants of love are daily acts of consideration, kindness, courtesy, and attention. They loosen the bands of selfishness and finding out that the love freely given comes back to you.

- Each partner strives to give encouragement and support for the other’s goals as each partner pursues the gifts and talents within them.

- Your bond is built by playing together, having fun, sharing humor and using light-heartedness to counteract the pressures and stresses of life.

- Partners share work, responsibilities, ease other’s burdens and cooperate around solving mutual

problems.

3. Minimize conflict. Marriage is a relationship between equals. Differences need to be treated with respect. Violations of fundamental respect come from hostility, harshness, judgment, criticism, contempt, temper outbursts, pouting, verbal and physical abuse, stonewalling and disdain. The amount of negativity a marriage can absorb without harming the relationship is surprisingly small in comparison to the total interactions. Minimizing conflict means:

- Couples are disposed to overlook faults, accept differences and not overreact to mistakes. Marriage goes better when marital partners are easygoing, mild mannered, self-restrained and patient with each other.

- Attention is paid to the process of communication and being constructive in getting back on course when conflict escalates. Couples show a willingness to de-escalate and dampen down an argument rather than to provocatively up the ante. Good listening helps the angry or upset partner feel understood. How a couple feels about each other after differences have been aired is more important than what was being discussed.

- Marriage partners need to be able to apologize for offenses and be willing to forgive and let go of past hurts. Both partners need to be quick to repair their relationship after conflict or hurts.

4. Effective communications and problem-solving. Many times the ability to solve problems breaks down because of poor communication habits. Couples need to feel they can influence each other and their marriage positively. Couples who communicate effectively have the following in common:

- Couples need to be trusting and courageous enough to confront problems and believe that the process of talking them through will make things better.

- Warm and receptive body language and tone of voice shows interest, respect and concern.

- Respect is shown for whoever has the floor in a conversation. Spouses use good listening skills and empathy to draw their partner out and show understanding of what is being said and felt.

- Respect for a partner is shown by the considerate manner in which opinions are expressed. Acknowledging the validity of your partner’s point of view makes it easier to compare perspectives instead of debating who is right and wrong.

- Seek to understand each other first and then attempt to discuss solutions. Negotiations have to be fair and take each other’s concerns into account in arriving at mutual solutions.

- Commitments are honored after agreements have been made. This creates trust and a willingness to keep trying to improve the marriage. More needs will be expressed and more needs will be met. In this way the marriage gets better and better.