Joan - all names are fictitious, the advice is real - has been divorced for three
years. She is the custodial parent for her two children - Alexa, age 11 and Brandon, age
9. Joan is attracted to Bill, a divorced father of three children. Bill has visitation
rights to his three children who are with his ex-wife and her new husband.
Joan and her children have gotten very close during the past three years. Alexa has
been a big help and has given Joan a lot of emotional support. Alexa seems angry and
offish since Bill entered the picture.
A different kind of courtship. A slow courtship will help the children gradually
accept the idea of a remarriage - and to get used to Bill being a part of their lives.
Bill and Joan need to keep their public displays of affection to a minimum. The children
are not used to seeing Mom as a sexual being. This is especially confusing for Alexa in
her own sexual awakening.
Courtship is a package deal. If Bill can't get used to sharing Joan with the children
now, it is a sign of trouble in the future. The children are used to Mom meeting their
needs and having her attention. Bill has to respect Joan and the childrens need to
spend time together without him being involved. The children will resent the remarriage
less if Mom still finds time for them.
Another red flag is Bill's attitude about children and how they should behave. If he is
easily bothered or irritated with them during courtship and starts to give critical advice
about Joan's parenting abilities, the stage is set for major conflict after marriage when
his role with be strengthened.
The past might mean problems. Each partner has had experiences with marriage,
parenting, and the trauma of divorce. Their attitudes and emotions may cause problems as
they form a new family.
Are they still angry with their ex-spouses? How do they feel about the parenting role
of Joan's ex-husband? Can Joan accept Bill's need to be involved with his own children and
the co-parenting role he plays with his ex-wife? Is Joan looking for Bill to take over
some of the responsibility she has shouldered with the children? Does Bill feel like he
needs to prove himself as a father?
Expect problems. There will be major adjustment problems for the first two to
three years before the step-family stabilizes. It will take three to five years before
there is a "sense of belonging."
Alexa and Brandon will have make adjustments during the first years of the new
marriage. There will be continued mourning over the divorce, loss of the fantasy that Mom
and Dad will reunite, confusion about loyalties, new patterns of living, additional new
relationships and perhaps a new home, school and friends. They will resist authority and
resent new rules and routines. They will exploit and manipulate parental differences to
meet their own needs.
More than likely, Alexa will resist physical affection from Bill. Bill should be
extremely careful about hugs and touching. He can show his affection through praise,
recognition and attention.
All this is normal. The new family will be less intense and less close than families
where these relationships developed over a long period of time. Everyone will do better if
they give up the myth of the perfect nuclear family. It won't be as close - at least for a
long time.
The conflict between parent and step-parent. Both Joan and Bill may avoid
conflict because of their recent traumatic divorces. They need to trust their commitment
and love for each other and allow differences to be aired. This openness is also important
for Alexa and Brandon. They need to be able express their negative feelings.
The family will work better if Bill takes a back seat on discipline for the first
couple of years. Bonds and trust need to develop before the children will accept him as an
authority figure. More important, Joan needs to learn to trust Bill as a parenting
partner. His biggest mistake would be to try too hard with Alexa and Brandon.
One rule of thumb is for Joan to handle all the major discipline problems and for Bill
to voice his opinions privately. Gradually Joan will encourage and support his active
parenting role. When Bill does get involved in discipline, it should be less harsh or
punitive than Joan's or the children will see him as the "heavy."
Unless the nonresidential father has major problems with parenting, his role with the
children should be supported. Bill doesn't need to compete or try to take his place. Bill
and Joan shouldn't worry about loyalty. If they provide a warm, loving and accepting
environment, everything will work out in the end.
Expect courtesy, not love. Joan and Bill can talk about their family life being
organized around courtesy, civility, cooperation, respect and mutual consideration. Bill
especially should set the tone and example by his courteous, kind, and non-intrusive
manner. He should try not to overreact to their hostility toward him or take things
personally.
Joan is pleased that Bill understands how critical his new role will be. Emotionally,
she can let herself take a few more risks in the relationship. Her children will be all
right. It will work. It just takes time and patience. A lot of both!