How And When Anger Backfires

Anger is a normal emotion. We experience it when we sense unfairness or injustice. Sometimes we experience it when we feel frustrated, deprived, or when we pass judgment on a situation as being worthy of an angry reaction.

Sadly, some of us use anger as a tool to manipulate or intimidate another person into giving up or to control the discussion. Some of us protest with anger when we are not getting our way.

Anger generally creates anger or withdrawal in the other party. What starts out to be a legitimate attempt to communicate or resolve a difficult problem becomes worse. Anger often prevents clear thinking and interferes with goodwill.

So what is the purpose of anger? Anger is like pain. It is a warning. Pain tells us that something is wrong in our body and that we need to attend to it and take corrective action. People who ignore chronic pain without understanding its source take a chance that the cause of the pain will become aggravated by neglect.

Anger is a good thermometer of the emotional system. It alerts us that something is wrong and the cause needs to be pinpointed. Examining our anger helps us look at how our assumptions have been violated or even what our assumptions are. Anger is useful in terms of identifying situations that need to be changed.

Once we understand how we feel and why, then we have a choice on what to do about it. Anger is the body’s way of rebelling against the status quo. It tells us to think. Once we think through the cause, then the solutions are more apparent.

However, attempts to engage in corrective action or even communicate while angry makes things worse. Words are not well thought out and are often provocative and exaggerated. There is also the strong likelihood that anger will create anger in the other party. When two people are angry at the same time, it is a poor recipe for working out differences.

Venting anger is not productive. Expressing anger creates more anger in the person expressing anger. The catharsis theory that venting anger reduces aggression is wrong. According to research, venting anger actually increases anger and aggression in subsequent situations.

If people believe that expressing anger is helpful, they don’t restrain themselves. Venting anger does not decrease hostility, but rather increases it. Anger, expressed frequently, becomes a habit that gets worse with use.

Marriage research shows that negative interactions between marital partners take a toll on relationships. The percentage of positive to negative interactions has to be overwhelmingly positive for the relationship to absorb the pain, humiliation or unfairness that an angry blowup is likely to trigger.

Anger violates basic sensitivities about being treated with respect and dignity. The process of communicating suffers when the recipient of the anger reacts to anger instead of the ideas being expressed. Harsh

and hurtful things said in anger are easily remembered and can inflict lasting damage to a relationship.

How people feel about each other after a disagreement has been resolved is more important than the resolving of the dispute itself. Feeling abused or mistreated in the process discourages attempts to resolve other differences.

Can anger be a good thing? Are there times when a relationship benefits from anger being expressed? Yes, but only when it:

- motives and intentions are positive and constructive. An angry person wants change. He or she wants to be heard. It means he or she is trying to break through, even by primitive means, to correct something that he or she feels is wrong.

- anger leads to self-diagnosis and reflection. Anger plays an important role in self-diagnosing and early short-circuiting of hostile conflict. By becoming aware of one’s own emotions and through early detection, people then can choose to disengage quickly from an argument before anger takes a destructive toll on the relationship.

The angry party then can reflect on the cause of his or her anger. When the parties subsequently re-engage their discussion, the angry person then can be more articulate in expressing a complaint or perspective.

- anger is listened to. Expressing anger is good when the recipient has enough emotional control to be able to listen to anger. Good listening defuses and de-escalates an angry person. It helps an angry person verbalize and express his or her frustrations or issues. It helps the angry person feel he or she is being taken seriously or even cared about.

It takes a lot of emotional self-discipline not to react to an angry provocation and to explore the other person’s agenda. It is only by trying to understand anger that the bridge to communication is built. Reciprocating with anger, withdrawing or discounting the validity of the anger generally makes the angry person even more angry.

- anger evolves into discussion and problem-solving. Problems are brought out in the open and understood. Solutions are proposed and commitments are made. Reconciliation takes place. Each partner has confidence that the real issues, even those fueled by anger, can be worked out. They draw closer and redefine their relationship. In close relationships, anger can be a prelude to intimacy.

Anger is normal but how and when it is expressed is a choice. In the vast majority of situations, it is better to first gain emotional control than to express anger while angry.