We are delighted as our parents experience rich and full lives and live well into old
age. With this delight come new responsibilities. Children step in and provide needed help
to maintain the health, safety and well-being of their parents. This help is given in the
spirit of love and compassion in return for the many years of love and sacrifice parents
have freely given.
How do parents and children gracefully reverse roles? How do you preserve the dignity
and independence of elderly parents while meeting some of their basic needs? How do
children add a caregiving role to their already busy lives? What adjustments have to be
made when there are serious impairments, such as Alzheimer's Disease or a physical
disability?
Here are some basic guidelines for children involved in caring for elderly parents.
1. Accept the commitment and the role wholeheartedly. If you hold back and are
angry and resentful, then your attitude will show up in your caregiving. This is reality.
This is life. This is not forever.
We can learn and gain a lot by caring for elderly parents. Families benefit. You
benefit by giving compassionate and loving service to those who have loved and served you.
2. Share this responsibility within the family. Nobody can do this alone. Your
spouse's attitude and support about the caregiving role are a crucial part of coping. Your
own children can play a positive role in some of the care needed. If you believe you can
call on others to share the responsibility, it makes a big difference.
Other brothers and sisters can share in this responsibility. Family meetings are help
fill in clarifying responsibilities, planning for care, and negotiating the sharing of
caregiving tasks. Family members have different talents, motivations, and life
circumstances. Not all are suited or may be able to provide most of the care. Accepting
that fact may ease family relationships.
Siblings can do what they do best. They can offer material and emotional support. They
can give respite to the primary caregiver. Their willing hearts and hands can make a big
difference. Communication can clarify each other's desires and expectations. Work through
your anger and let go of resentments of those who don't measure up.
3. Manage your own personal stress. You have a life to live outside of the
caregiving role. You have needs and goals. You have physical and emotional limitations.
You need to deal with your anger, depression, fatigue, frustrations and other negative
emotions. Your own emotional adjustment is a key to the quality of care you give to your
elderly parent.
Part of coping is doing something for yourself You need personal time and space to be
and do for yourself. You can meet your own needs and expect those close to you to care for
you. Negotiate with your employer any special needs you may have regarding your caregiver
role.
4. Seek help. Positive coping means seeking needed information about your parent's
problems, special needs or condition. Support groups for caregivers give an emotional
release and valuable ideas on how to solve problems. Individual counseling is another
place to discuss emotionally charged personal problems or grieve your losses in an
intimate one-to-one relationship. There are also self-help books and resources available.
"In Home" care, offering a variety of medical and social support services,
can supplement family caregiving and provide the technical and respite care to sustain you
and your elderly parents. Adult day care and respite care in nursing homes are valuable
resources to aid with caregiver overload and strain.
5. Keep the quality of your relationship and interactions positive. Keep the
interactions on an adult-adult level instead on a caregiver/carereceiver basis. Openness
and respect maintain the dignity of elderly parents. Parents can have a role in keeping
the relationship on an adult/adult level by aecepting help with graciousness. They can
find ways to be helpfiil and useflil to the family and can try to understand the lives and
concerns of their adult children.
Interpersonal stress increases when you share a household. When parents enjoy the
privacy and independence of their own home they have greater self-esteem. They maintain
their functions in the home and friendships with neighbors and friends.
Intense emotional involvement in a parent's care often means poorer adjustments for
everyone involved. Moderate involvement leads to greater health, coping and less stress.
Expressing negative emotions such as anger and criticism harm your relationship. Negative
interactions have a stronger influence between older parents and adult children than do
positive interactions.
Reduce conflict by using humor, gentle teasing, and non-controntational approaches to
problems. Graciously overlook some problems and help them save face. Know when to back
off, distract, deflect and prevent conflict. Keep your emotions under control.
When a patronizing tone of voice and disagreements come from a spouse, they can be
accepted and interpreted as concern and caring about their marriage. However, when
patronizing comments come from a child, they have a negative influence on the
relationship.