Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

With Impending Death, There Is The Gift Of Life

February 22, 2010

Let's walk for a few minutes on sacred ground. I have witnessed the final few months of life of a man whom I grew to love as a friend. His radiation treatment for cancer had resulted in a cure for the disease but left another fatal problem - the inability of his bone marrow to produce white blood cells. He was kept alive by blood transfusions but after a while his body began to reject the transfusions.

He had time to say his goodbyes. His children, grandchildren and friends from far and near came to his home and ultimately to his bedside to recount memories, enjoy his humor and share his faith in a life after death.

What sweet times those were. He and his family exchanged an overwhelming outpouring of love and support. To him and to his family, his long walk into the valley of the shadow of death was kind and merciful.

He had time to do many things he wanted to do. Despite his frail condition, he and his family were able to attend a special screening of Avatar at a local theater. There were other events too sacred and meaningful to recount.

He had been given a gift. Life is precious. Relationships are precious. Time is precious.

What if this were you? What if it were me? What if you or I were given a similar gift of knowing that our days on earth were truly limited. Each minute, each day, each week, each month counts.

Goals are the key. What is the key to a quality life when death is foreseeable? It is purpose. It is wonderfully concentrated energy, focus and sustained effort toward meaningful goals. It is ridding the self of trivia, the unimportant, the foolish endeavors of a world that desperately disguises us from our own mortality.

The gift is liberating. The chaff is easily discernible from the wheat and readily discarded. There is no time for chaff.

The gift is defining. The anguished soul gets to know oneself intimately. Who am I? What do I really want? What contribution to life can I make with my remaining days? What is undone that needs to be done? What haven't I done that I always wanted to do? What has been missing from my life? The "why’s" become important: Why this? Why that?

The gift brings life. He was dramatically alive - vitally and vibrantly alive. He was fully and painfully aware of the awesomeness of his power - the power to choose, to act and make happen what he wanted to have happen. Within certain limits.

Within certain limits. That is life too. His wife would smile wryly at some of the things on his wish list. He had to play with the cards he was dealt. His declining health and abilities needed to be factored in and necessary adjustments made.

Lost possibilities have to be mourned, discarded and replaced with realistic ones. But what can still be done is truly magnificent - to make the best of what is possible. It is what people can do with what they've got left

that is important. The world becomes smaller but still very interesting and rewarding.

It is a time to simplify. To concentrate on fewer goals - to give up worthy endeavors in favor of a few that are decided priorities. Personal striving has to match what is possible. Like it or not, energy and vigor will begin to fade. That time will come.

Compensate for losses. The next step is to use whatever it takes to compensate for the changes in lifestyle. Canes, walkers, a wheel chair, hearing aids, computers, dictaphones, and ultimately hospice nursing care may all serve their purpose. They are resources. Resources matter if they are used to help a person attain their personal objectives. Modes of treatment can be viewed as resources also.

Coping is a matter of being smart enough to outwit the body and still get out of life what you want. Depression sets in when people lose track of their goals or find the pathway to their goals blocked. Hope comes with having attainable goals and overcoming any obstacles in their path. Hope comes in faith that life and relationships extend beyond this life.

No comparisons. One pitfall is to compare your life with healthy people who do not have physical limitations or uncertain futures. Or to compare oneself with the way you used to be. Life becomes uniquely personal. It is your goals, your limitation, your way of compensating and your life. What other people do doesn't matter. To dwell on comparisons is to invite unhappiness into your life.

To use the precious gift - the gift of time - people have to be highly selective in their personal goals. They have to simplify, accept limitations and compensate for them. They can be happy. Believe it.

This special friend shared some sacred moments with me and my wife. His resilient spirit reminded us of a gift we all have. We all are mortal. Our days are numbered too. Time is precious. Now only if we could live like it.