How Fathers-In-Law And Sons-In-Law Can Relate

The stereotypical in-law problem is about meddlesome, intrusive mothers-in-law who don’t know boundaries that result in pressure or guilt trips. Also common are icy, aloof daughters-in-law who seem determined not to have a constructive relationship no matter how respectful or loving the mother-in-law happens to be (or vice-versa).

Moms and daughters and mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have more delicate roles to play with expectations to be more supportive of each other.

An exception may be the father/son or father-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship in family businesses. In this case, the father-in-law’s personality and leadership style wield extraordinary power and influence which directly impacts both the economic and personal lives of family members tied to the business.

What about the rest of us fathers-in-law? Are we but bit players in the drama of family life? No, not exactly. We have a positive role to play in creating inter-generational harmony and support.

Sugar daddy. One type of father-in-law who is problematic is the doting, ever-wonderful father of "daddy’s little princess." His shining example of unconditional love, unabashed flattery, and protective concern for his daughter contrasts with the more egalitarian, give-and-take nature of a marital relationship.

Much like a "momma’s boy," a "daddy’s little princess" expects to be taken care of and can be self-centered and demanding. If, after marriage, the father of the bride doesn’t know boundaries and does too much for her, the young husband may feel that he can never quite measure up in her eyes.

Guidelines for getting along. Reflecting on my experiences both as a son-in-law and a father-in-law to my five sons-in-law, I came up with these guidelines on how to achieve strong and warm family bonds.

As a son-in-law, I appreciated my now deceased father-in-law’s:

- help with meaningful projects and other forms of generosity that improved our family situation. This assistance was freely given with no strings attached. It was not overdone to the point where it deprived me of my role as a problem-solver and provider to my family. I learned to value the protective goodness of my wife’s parents when important boundaries were respected.

- benign neglect. In other words, we had enough emotional distance that we were left alone to struggle with the problems in life and to assume adult responsibilities for the well-being of our own nuclear family and our marriage.

- fairness and equal treatment in gift giving between children and grandchildren from different families.

- flexibility in scheduling family gatherings and events.

- for being hospitable and gracious during family visits.

- cushioning of the more intrusive demands of a mother-in-law.

- acknowledgment of my contributions as a husband and as a father in their daughter’s and grandchildren’s lives.

- willingness to take special interest in the grandchildren and to make time for them.

- interest in me and my work.

As a father-in-law, I appreciate it when my sons-in-law:

- do their part in meeting the emotional and financial needs of my daughters. I want my daughters to be happy in their marriages.

- are good fathers to their children.

- are willing participants in family gatherings with friendly attitudes and have good body language. I appreciate their cooperation and flexibility to set aside resources and time to make family holiday and reunion visits a priority.

- manage their money well and don’t create problems through mismanagement or lack of personal discipline. We are willing to assist in true emergencies and understand our role in being a support base under dire circumstances.

- are gracious and appreciative after I or my wife have performed acts of service and work on behalf of their family.

- display no animosity or hostility toward us or put our daughters in the middle between themselves and us.

- pitch in during visits and help with clean up, taking responsibility for doing their share of the work.

- show interest and curiosity in what I am doing and discuss meaningful topics. I feel connected when they share their work lives and challenges with me. We form our own bond apart from our daughter and the grandchildren.

- allow me to be myself and give encouragement in forming special bonds with the grandchildren.

That is probably a long enough list. I enjoy the quality of relationships I do have with my sons-in-law and feel blessed. These relationships may not be as psychologically complex as mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships but they are important in maintaining healthy family relationships.