Warm Greetings Add Sparkle To Marriage

A little secret can make a big difference in your life. It is a habit that will add extra joy to your life. It will connect you with those whom you love and make you special in their eyes. This secret will make you many friends. This secret can transform an evening or a life with a loved one.

This is the secret. Make your greetings special. "What?" you ask, "That is too little of a secret to make such a big difference."

Greetings are a bridge. We have a need to belong, to feel connected with those who are special to us, to share our lives and find someone who delights in our presence. The daily hassles and even the storms of life shrink when love and companionship create a haven of friendship and refuge.

Every day brings separation. Each has a different journey - work, errands, meetings. There’s always something new - thoughts, worries, excitement, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc. In ways that are entirely healthy and beneficial to their relationship, couples venture out from their base camp of love and security, deal with the world and later come back together.

In the first two to 15 minutes when a couple comes back together, they need to communicate this message to each other: "We are a couple. We care about each other. Our relationship is important. I am interested in you and what has happened to you since we've been apart. Your happiness is important to me. What you have been doing matters to me. Your life is important. I care about you. Now that we’ve been apart, how best can I meet your needs?"

How do you do this? Eye contact. A big smile. A warm embrace. An affectionate touch. All this nonverbal communication takes place in the first few seconds a couple is together. The nonverbal expressions are more important than the words that follow. It is a great start. Without it, the words that follow are empty.

Next, the couple gives each other undivided attention, active listening, enthusiastic interest, genuine concern and helpful support. This exchange of feelings and thoughts may take just a few minutes depending on the circumstances.

Children need special greetings too, sandwiched between Mom and Dad's conversation. They can learn to wait for more undivided attention once Mom and Dad have finished talking. Or they can be given a warm greeting and then sent on their way. "This is Mom and Dad’s time together. I'll look at your school project in just a few minutes."

The initial few seconds and minutes are the most important. After the greeting, each is free to attend to the children, meal preparation, the orderliness of the home, or to find a few moments of rest and relaxation.

A cold greeting has the opposite effect. If nothing is done to bridge separate worlds, the stage is set for miscommunication, impatience, irritability, selfishness, defensiveness and loneliness. With a warm greeting, a lot

of unnecessary tension can be avoided.

Husbands and wives need to shift gears from the competitive and time pressured world of the workplace to the world of meeting needs and emotional intimacy. If they are stressed out and in a poor mood, they need to take an extra 10 or 15 minutes to set their mood before coming home. A warm greeting given later pales in comparison to the spontaneous connection that comes with the first meeting.

After a warm greeting, a couple’s renewed bond gives each partner the freedom to do his or her own agenda without feeling irritated or threatened by separateness. The identical behavior after a positive greeting will be judged positively instead of neutral or negative.

The context has changed. As they reconnect as a coup1e, those few moments of togetherness lighten the load and put all the stress and hassles back into perspective. Someone cares.

Repeated greetings are a conscious effort to merge lives. A series of warm greetings repeated day after day, week after week, can set an emotional tone for the relationship. They bridge their two worlds and fill in the gaps. They know one another and don't get very apart.

The longer a couple has been away from each other, the more important and enthusiastic the greeting needs to be. Much harm is done by a flat and unresponsive greeting after a big trip. It is like a cold slap in the face.

Farewells are an important ritual also. Couples put energy into their farewells and communicate the same message of togetherness when they part. Saying goodbye in a special way reassures the other of the special ties they share. It is hurtful to have a loved one part without a farewell. Besides reinforcing togetherness and concern in their comings and goings, it is a basic common courtesy.

Try this simple secret. It takes practice to establish new habits. It isn’t hard. It’s a fun habit. Say hello with a gleam in your eye, a warm tone in your voice, a smile of delight and an affectionate touch and you'll have sparkle in your marriage.