A letter from a reader describes her father and brother this way.
"Dad was a
very controlling person in all of our lives. He thought the world centered around him. He
made a lot of promises to get what he wanted from his family members and never kept them.
That is one reason my brother stuck it out taking his verbal and even physical abuse on
the farm. My brother is getting so much like Dad everyday."
Here is a research finding that I find troubling - harsh and hostile fathers are more
likely to have adult sons who are also harsh and hostile in their parenting style.
Fathers are role models for how their sons may be someday. Sons who move away from
their fathers have much less continuity in their parenting style. Research further shows
that transmission of parenting styles are much more prominent in farm families than any
other sector of society.
"Harsh" and "hostile" includes angry and explosive outbursts,
demeaning and critical comments, the use of threats to control behavior, an unwillingness
to listen or to share in decision-making, and a lack of recognition, appreciation or
praise.
What is the link between farming and such harshness?
- Identity and pride. A typical profile of a farmer who has this parenting style is
usually a hard charging perfectionist who is single minded in his approach to farming. It
is his life - his bread and butter - his pride and reason to be. He has an intense need to
get things done and done right.
He often assumes his work and priorities are more important than anything else. This is
a source of anger when things don't go his way. Relationships are secondary to this
farming "battle."
Not only is a lot at stake economically, but his identity and prestige in the community
are tied to how his management and work habits are perceived. This commitment to work is
not offset by a balanced commitment to leisure, family, social life, spiritual concerns
and community participation.
- Stress. In a complex biologically-driven and weather-reactive enterprise, work
is often interrupted by new demands and priorities. Work goals are need driven and not by
the clock or family needs.
There are time crunches and overload problems at certain times of the year The
year-round and daily work loads can be excessive and the stress great. Feeling time
pressured, he is more prone to anger because each problem reverberates into other
problems.
He expects everyone, including himself, to function like a cog in a well-oiled machine.
When family members don't perform to expectations, he gets angry. Mistakes are magnified
and distorted to unreasonable levels.
- Anger. Thoughts and beliefs about injustice and victimization are one of the
main causes of anger. Though he loves his profession and lifestyle, he feels inadequately
rewarded and appreciated by his family and by
society for his farm-related sacrifices. Anger can be employed as a useful tool
in intimidating others to do things his way.
- Rigidity and the need to be "right". He has strong expectations
about a right and a wrong way to do things. He is hard on others whose methods and results
do not measure up to his standard. Everything has to go his way and to be done right - the
first time. Success is in details. He is knowledgeable and argues emphatically to prove
his points.
It is a small step from judging someone to being angry with them - especially when
mistakes cut efficiency - or worse yet - costs something. When he sees something happen he
feels didn't need to happen, he takes control by correcting the offending person, often
with anger.
He has a low tolerance for criticism. New ideas are seen as a challenge to his
authority and knowledge. To be wrong is to be humiliated. Being "right" is his
way of dealing with uncertainty.
- Fear. His verbal tongue-lashing isn't personal. Yes, he is loud, forceful,
intense and demeaning but it is merely an means to an end - getting the job done right. In
the farming "war" he is constantly fighting, the end justifies the means.
Though he won't admit it, he is scared, insecure and frustrated. He has built something
and wants to keep it going. He doesn't like to be slowed down. He is afraid it will all
unravel without his constant vigilance.
Transmission of parenting style. These sons have enormous respect for their
fathers knowledge and accomplishments. They buy into the idea that the price of
farming success has to do with this quest for getting things right. It means that
harshness is a necessary by-product of a fathers love and dedication to farming -
and by extension - to him and the family.
They are also willing to forgive and put up with the abuse because it holds the key to
their dream of farming someday. They are also fearful that to challenge Dads
authority or thinking is to risk everything.
Sons often enter marriage and parenting not wishing to repeat the harshness and lack of
love they experienced themselves. However, the stress and intensity of farming, the
rationale that the farm comes first, and the lack of role modeling of a gentle and loving
fathering result in the harsh parenting style being the default position when they are
under stress and conflict. It becomes a habit and despite their intentions otherwise, they
become like their father.