Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Silence Is Power - It Drives Women Crazy

December 1, 2008

Here is a recipe for driving your wife crazy. I say "wife" because most men open their mouths enough during courtship to win a wife.

First of all, if she has something important to say - dismiss it. How could she have something important to say?

Secondly, if there is a complaint or a request for change, don't address the issue. Let her bring it up over and over again and then accuse her of nagging.

This will make her self-conscious and throw her off for a while. A short while. Then she will redouble her efforts with more than a hint of anger. You’ve got her where you want her. Tell her that her anger is the problem because it drives you away from her. Walk away in the middle of a conversation to prove your point.

Nonverbal communication is the key. Sit far apart from her. Look up and roll your eyes on occasion. Master the look of utter disdain. Be ready to deny it if she thinks she caught you with the "look".

Lean back and act bored. Better yet, have a totally blank expression on your face. Inscrutable.

If you have to say anything, drip your words with sarcasm. If she objects to the sarcasm, claim innocence and ardently point out the utter sincerity of your response.

She will likely object to your tone of voice or otherwise accurately read your body language. Accuse her of being a mind reader and that you are your own best authority on what you meant - even though you haven't really said anything.

Outlast her. This is the best part. When she pauses and gives you a cue to respond, just sit there with a deadpan expression. Outlast her. She will invariably start in again and repeat herself. Soon she’ll figure out you aren't going to say anything anyway and repeat herself some more. She'll go on to new complaints and have an extended monologue that will be absolutely Shakespearian in it’s breadth and intensity. If she asks if you are listening, respond with a succinct "yes" with no further explanation.

Then accuse her of changing the subject, bringing up the past and generally being emotional or unintelligible. You don't know where to begin and she won't remember where she wanted you to begin. Either way, it is her fault.

Now you have a choice of subjects and you can counterattack on the one where you can score some points of your own. Whew! You've fended her off for another day.

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men." - Joseph Conrad.

A two way street. The only thing worse than this scenario is - I hate to say it - an unresponsive and silent woman. The same dynamic can happen with an intense and overly talkative man trying to get through to an

unresponsive wife. She justifies her non-responsiveness and judges him to be demanding - a complainer or a whiner. She doesn’t see her silence and lack of involvement as a trigger.

The secret is the silent party is in control and decides which matters are worthy of his or her attention and which are not. Silence is power.

Slow on the trigger. Some men are innocent of such manipulative tactics. They just don't think fast. At least as not as fast as a highly verbal, emotionally charged woman who has thought the issue through and is probably right. That is hard for a man to admit - or engage.

The problem comes in when the talker pauses.

(A big pause.)

(A really big pause.)

(An insufferable, coma-inducing pause.)

Nothing happens. The speaker gets anxious, figures her partner isn't going to respond anyway and gets on with making her point. If the poor fellow wasn't overloaded before, he soon will be.

So what is the solution? The speaker needs to learn to pause and to wait when it is the listener’s turn to speak.

In conversations, pauses are the punctuation. A pause is handing the conversational baton to the other party. The listener needs to be ready to pick up the baton and run with it a while. If the speaker doesn't pause, some men will let their partner run a long time or run down before deciding to get into the race.

The speaker can learn to make his or her points in three or four sentences and not overload the listener’s short attention span. The conversation becomes a dialogue instead of a monologue.

"Women like silent men. They think they are listening." - French playwright Marcel Archard.

Other listening tips. Besides learning how to use animated, caring non-verbal communication as a listener, the listener can also learn to make periodic and timely summaries to communicate understanding. This sets the speaker at ease and avoids the necessity of any repetition.

A good listener also asks relevant, open-ended questions to draw the speaker out further and to connect the dots in a conversation by showing interest, empathy or intuition.

If the speaker’s information is too intense, arouses emotion or confusion, the listener may need time to process what was said or to gain control over his or her emotions. The listener can ask for a break and agree to renew the conversation within a reasonable time frame.

By the way, women don’t like silent men. They like conversation. A lot of it.