Consider this. You and your ex-spouse are being asked to communicate effectively, solve
problems together, treat each other with respect and courtesy, accept each other's
differences, give each other the benefit of the doubt, keep expectations reasonable and
share information readily.
Those are a few of the guidelines for parenting after divorce. I know what you are
thinking. If you could do all that, you'd still be married. Right?
People grow. People change. The turf is a lot smaller. The issue is only parenting
instead of everything else that goes with marriage - money, goals, religion, work, sex,
in-laws, etc.
Settling into a new and presumably happier life helps. Getting over the pain and hurt
of the divorce definitely helps. Yes, there is reason to hope that ex-spouses can
cooperate around the one issue that is of vital importance to both of them: how to raise
their kids.
To aid you in that quest, here are some guidelines for ex-spouses:
1. Keep your conversations courteous and business-like. Be a good listener. Stay
on task. The task is the care and well-being of the children, not rehashing old marital
wars or dragging up old hurts. Establish firm boundaries about what you are discussing.
Too little communication shuts out a parent from vital information and involvement. Too
much communication creates pain and makes new spouses insecure. It creates doubt that the
previous relationship is really over. Make conversations crisp and to the point. Don't
have any more contact than is necessary.
It is natural to disagree. Most kids from divorce families have learned a lot about how
to fight. They haven't learned how problems get solved. When you and your ex actually
solve a problem, let the kids know about it.
2. Share information, both positive and negative, about the children's activities
and behavior. Many custodial parents assume that their new family is a nuclear family
and tend to forget that the non-custodial parent wants the opportunity to share special
events, awards and activities with their children.
Non-custodial parents need to be proactive in getting the information they want.
Don't keep problems and concerns from the ex-spouse. No surprises. Keeping the
ex-spouse informed adds another resource in trying to deal with problems. When conflict
between ex-spouses is minimal, then it is easier to communicate about problems.
3. Learn to trust your ex-spouse's judgment. Think of your ex-spouse as being
reasonably fair, responsible and reliable. Let go of the things you don't control. Lower
your expectations. One woman started getting along with her ex-spouse when she started
thinking of him as a 75watt bulb instead of the 100-watt bulb she always wanted him to be.
Adjust your expectations to reality.
Most ex-spouses don't coordinate their parenting styles. Accept the differences. Talk
about your disciplinary styles, not to change the other parent but to give information
about what goes on in your household.
4. Don't get caught up in taking sides between your children and your ex-spouse.
This creates loyalty problems that will give children plenty of heartache and problems.
Kids don't always express themselves accurately. By the way you question them, you can
program the answers. Kids play to parents' concerns. They can give double messages to
please the parent they are with at the time.
Give your ex-spouse the benefit of the doubt. Don't assume the worst. Don't undermine
his or her authority or credibility by taking sides with the children.
There are two sides to every story. Get your ex-spouses side of what happened. Be
prepared to listen to a different version than the one your kids give. Pick up the phone
or drop a note and check it out.
5. Advice to step-parents: Stay out of it. Listen to your spouse's concerns
about the ex-spouse. Be supportive, not directive. Don't try to tell your spouse what to
do or to do it for him or her. Dont be pushy or controlling. Problems with the
ex-spouse are already complicated enough without you jumping in with off-the-wall
reactions, judgments and criticisms. Detach and be a resource instead of
"player."
Your efforts will be seen as an unwelcome intrusion into your spouse's autonomy. Trust
your spouse's judgment about how to handle the ex-spouse. Support his or her role with the
children and know that your own relationship with them will evolve slowly and naturally.
Men and women who cant free themselves from the influences of a first marriage
usually end up destroying a second. Talk about the powerful emotional experiences from the
first marriage with each other. Listen to your spouse in a non-judgmental way and be
encouraging. Discuss how patterns from the first marriage may still be a cause for
concern.
Your own bond will develop as you work together as a team to define how to deal with
the difficulties the ex-spouse presents. It takes a lot of time, trust and patience to
gain your spouses confidence when it comes to parenting strategies, policies and
defining appropriate boundaries. In the end, you need to agree on parenting as it takes
place in your home.
For an excellent book on step families, read, "Step Families: Love, Marriage and
Parenting in the First Decade" by Dr. James Bray and John Kelly, Broadway Books, NY,
1998.