When Tough Love Becomes Your Only Option

"Dear Dr. Farmer,

"Our daughter is in her senior year of high school. We are a religiously conservative family. She's gotten involved with a young man a few years older than herself. She is rebelling against our values. She breaks curfew, uses disrespectful language with us and openly states she doesn't have to obey our rules. There are younger children in the home.

"This is new to us. What would you do if she were your child?" - A heartbroken mother.

What you are about to read may seem like hard-nosed advice.

Find outside help. My first step would be to see how willing she is to talk with an adult outside the family - someone from your church or perhaps a counselor. Maybe someone can get through to her. My guess is that she doesn't want to be confronted on her behavior and would refuse. Going for family counseling is another option.

Form a united front. Secondly, I'd make sure you and your husband are together on what you are about to try. Your daughter needs to face a consistent and united approach.

Protect your emotions and your life as best you can. Resign yourselves to the fact that she is not going to do it your way. Don't make her problem your problem. Let her know that it is her life. What she is doing is against your values but you recognize it is her choice.

When the things you can realistically do are done, let go of your worries. In time you will have a clearer vision of what else you need to do. In the meantime, you will find more peace and happiness and not neglect others who need you.

Define rules for the home. As long as she is under your roof and you are supporting her, you have the right to set limits on her behavior. As a parent, you have the duty to protect the rest of the family by having enforceable consequences.

Parenting isn’t a popularity contest. She needs to know, as a member of the family, there are some things she should not do. When she does them, there will be consequences and life may not be as pleasant for her as she would like.

Decide on a few rules for family living and apply them to all the children. Since she is in your home, you have a right to set guidelines about curfew, alcohol use, respectful language and honesty. Figure out your consequences such as work projects and loss of driving or other privileges. Get her input on the rules and consequences.

Have a family meeting so she knows the rules apply to everyone. When she violates a rule, let her know she also chose the consequences. The best discipline is matter-of-fact application of consequences. The main thing is to follow through.

In other areas, ease off. You aren't condoning her actions outside of the home but as long as she obeys the family rules you can't prevent them either. The goal is to get through the school year and the summer before she leaves. Keep the door open for communication.

Give her space. Don't expect much in the way of family responsibility during her senior year. Make her responsible for her own laundry and her own room.

Don't worry about what is fair to the rest of the children. Next year she'll be on her own and then she'll get a good dose of reality.

Dealing with the boyfriend. Don't try to choose her friends or break up the relationship with the boyfriend. Insist that he come in when he comes to pick her up and try to get to know him.

Do your best to be cordial. Let him know your expectations about curfew. Openly rejecting him may prove problematic some day - if he turns out to be your son-in-law.

Let her know your options if she flouts curfew. If she continues to defy you, follow through on the consequences. Besides the agreed-on consequences, let her know you may contact her boyfriend's parents, go looking for her or call the police.

Helping her responsibly. As for her post-graduation plans, let her know that you've completed your basic obligation to her. Any help you give her will depend on her giving something back, in some way, shape or form. That is real life.

It is time for her to set her own goals. If she wants to go to college, assure her that you will participate to a predetermined degree. If she chooses not to save money or work toward a goal, then you have no obligation either.

Let her go. If you do help her, it shouldn't be to support a lifestyle that is against your values. Adjust your expectations for her, at least for the time being.

Many young people with good backgrounds rebel for a while until they find themselves, When your daughter gets hurt, falls on her face or when her mistakes become obvious even to herself, she may figure it out and revert to the family values and lifestyles she absorbed while growing up.

This is the heartbreak - standing aside and watching her make mistakes. Be patient, pray and hope she doesn't make too many mistakes.

You are responsible for your own happiness no matter what your child is doing. You can't live her life. You have to go on.