Breaking the Pursue/Withdraw Impasse

Incomplete discussions short-circuited by angry outbursts and poor emotional control have a devastating effect on marriage. Too many things are said and done in the middle of heated arguments that are hurtful. Repeated too often, this erodes the goodwill, friendliness and affection marital partners have for each other.

Another devastating pattern is icy, cold withdrawal where grudges and resentments are nursed. Days go by. Obvious but veiled anger creates an emotional chasm between a couple. The process of reconciling is awkward and uneven. One partner may habitually be the one to give in and attempt to restore the relationship but without resolution of the disagreement that started the conflict in the first place.

Angry pursuit in attempting to resolve a problem often leads to withdrawal with no clear ending point or engagement in a problem-solving process.

Pursuit/Withdraw. One partner might be a "pursuer" who is anxious and wants to resolve conflict immediately. The other partner might be a conflict avoider who may not be good at thinking on his or her feet and needs time to assimilate the information, regulate his or her emotions, or collect his or her thoughts. Neither style is inherently wrong; they just happen to not match up well. Each style makes the other more frustrated.

There is also a control issue. The person who withdraws controls what and when things are talked about and has the most power in the relationship. Sometimes people withdraw, not for reasons of gaining emotional control, but to derail a discussion he or she doesn’t want to have.

The issue isn’t brought up or worked through and the status quo is maintained. Some marriage partners are suspicious that his or her partner’s withdrawal is an unfair way of avoiding a discussion that might result in change.

Here is a way to break the impasse.

A temporary disengagement. Couples can minimize conflict by monitoring their anger, body signals, and arousal level. Anger generally creates anger in the recipient. Angry people aren’t thinking or screening their thoughts or the way they say things. Unfortunate things are said and remembered. The angry party can ask for a time out until he or she has gained emotional control.

The best way to deal with anger and to use it as a springboard to discussion and problem-solving is to listen to it. Listening means a caring reflection of one’s understanding of what is being said. If the anger is too intense or upsetting, the listener may experience an emotional overload and be unable to listen accurately or empathically. It is fair to let the other partner to know that. The listener also can ask for a time out to gain emotional control.

If two people are upset and angry at the same time, nobody is listening. The point of communication is to hear and understand each other. An angry person wants to be heard, not argued with or even reasoned with. Nor is

an angry person a good listener.

Both parties need to be able to disengage from a heated discussion and have that request respected without debate about whether it is fair or necessary.

A 24 hour rule. The key to disengagement upon request being an effective tool is to have an equally binding and respected rule that the couple bring up the dispute within 24 hours from the time of the request. This is middle ground between the pursuer and withdrawer. The scales aren’t weighted unfairly to favor one style over the other.

Some couples have a rule that they never go to bed angry. While laudable, this may not be feasible in terms of when arguments start. Late night discussions deprive couples of sleep and generally make things worse instead of better.

Resuming the discussion. An agreement to re-engage is just as necessary as the right to disengage. Twenty-four hours is usually sufficient time to calm down and be approachable on the same topic. Also, it is reasonable in terms of a married couple’s busy lives and commitments.

Twenty four hours is a maximum time frame and not a minimum. It might take only 15 minutes for the angry or upset person to calm down and resume the discussion in a productive manner.

The discretion on when to resume the discussion should be left to the person who asked for it. If possible, the parties could decide right then when the best time would be good to resume their discussion. Setting a time is courteous, but may not be possible depending on the emotional level of the level of the upset person.

A person who is angry or frustrated needs to use the time out effectively and analyze the root causes of his or her anger. This reflection time will help him or her to articulate concerns in a clear manner without anger or strong emotion interfering with the communication process. This time can also be used to reflect on the other party’s point of view.

When a couple has a safe pattern of disengagement and re-engagement, the anxious partner who is feeling disadvantaged by incomplete discussions can relax and feel confident that important topics will be addressed and talked through. The partner who does not do well with intense emotion and needs time to think through the issue has the time to do so - but without the luxury of putting it off indefinitely.