How Tantrums Take A Toll On Relationships

Occasionally I encounter a couple where one partner’s habitual way of getting his or her way in a dispute is by having a tantrum. By tantrum, I mean an emotionally intense outburst that is so forceful, unpleasant, and utterly impervious to change that the only choice is to give in. There are no negotiations or listening to reason - "it is going to be my way or there will be hell to pay."

The discussion that preceded the tantrum may be an intense concentration on one side of the argument with little or no consideration towards his or her partner’s reasoning or opinion.

It isn’t too long before the ace hole card - a short and fierce temper - is uncovered. Further discussion becomes impossible. The flare up isn’t necessarily an anger problem however. It is more a battle of wills. The main problem is in one person being unreasonable and unwilling to discuss or consider any solution other than their own.

The tantrum is persistent and unrelenting until his or her partner gives in. The aftermath of the temper outburst is rejection through body language, facial expressions of pouting and scowling, a harsh tone of voice that communicates disdain, irritation or displeasure, or an icy indifference.

All of this dissipates once his or her partner capitulates.

Effect on spouse. Repeated tantrums communicates to one’s spouse that what he or she thinks or feels doesn’t matter. What matters most is that the needs of the tantrum-throwing partner are put ahead of all other considerations without mutual consent. Getting one’s way seems more important than the relationship itself.

A pattern of tantrum-ending arguments causes doubts about commitment, love and loyalty of one’s spouse - especially when strong differences are aired.

There is no backing down, no consideration for the harm being caused, and no avenue for acknowledgment or reconciliation. It closes the door to empathy or consideration of a spouse’s burdens, desires or needs. To the recipient, this obvious lack of sympathy for one’s problem or distress undermines the security and trust needed to bridge their lives.

When the relationship is perceived as too one-sided, unfair or unloving, it is easy for the offended spouse to pull back and respond in kind. In order to survive, he or she starts reacting the same way by becoming angry, willful and stubborn. It isn’t flattering.

When the dust clears, magically the tantrum is supposed to be absorbed or ignored and life recedes to former levels of compatibility - until the next big clash. Most of the time, there may be cooperation, interest, sharing and functional living together until the next brick wall.

With time, the frustrated partner begins to believe that problems can’t be discussed or resolved. Feeling like he or she has no voice or influence leads to emotional withdrawal, lack of problem-solving, increasing

frustration and eventual indifference. This takes a huge toll on the marriage where one spouse may wear out and finally gives up.

Tantrums work. Most spouses that have problems with tantrums aren’t as unfeeling as they seem. The tantrums are probably a vestige from their childhood or teenage years when they learned that tantrums worked. By causing enough unpleasantness and keeping it up long enough, parents or friends would give in.

If, as a child or teen, you wanted something badly enough and if you knew you could get your way through a tantrum, then there would be no need to learn how to negotiate or compromise. Without skills in conflict resolution, you may lack confidence in resolving problems without resorting to emotional blackmail.

Or it could be deeper. There may be some fundamental insecurity stemming from low self-esteem, self-centeredness, neediness, or a need for emotional control that provides the impetus toward control through tantrums. Exploration of one’s background or emotional history through individual counseling may uncover and address these issues.

Listening will help. When a tantrum is taking place, the recipient could try to be a better listener and understand more fully why his or her spouse is so adamant. This would help prevent judging motives as deliberately malicious or self-serving. It is harder for a spouse to go the tantrum route if he or she feels listened to.

Also, instead of focusing on particular issues, the unhappy spouse could identify the pattern of tantrums as being destructive to their relationship and explain how he or she is being affected by them. By learning how conflict was resolved in his or her partner’s family of origin, it may shed light on their own relationship.

Going for marriage counseling. With the passage of time, the destructive communication patterns will have influence on both partners. Bad habits have evolved in reaction to the tantrums. Both partners will need guidelines on communication and problem-solving skills, not just the partner with the tantrum problem.

As a couple, they are probably poor listeners who don’t connect well with the emotions or needs of each other. Training in listening skills may help them become more compassionate in their attempts at problem-solving.