Turning A Poor Listener Into A Good Listener

How important is listening in a happy marriage?

Listening is an act of love. It is a gift to a partner who counts on you as a trusted confidant and as a gentle and loving source of feedback. Become vulnerable to the truth of your partner’s life, knowing full well that what you hear may require change, share burdens and reorder priorities.

Listening is important because:

- it communicates a willingness to learn about your partner’s needs and feelings. To really know what those needs are is the first step to meeting those needs. Without empathic listening, we may miss the mark in meeting a spouse’s most important emotional needs.

- it shows a willingness to engage in a reciprocal relationship where you allow your thoughts, feelings and decisions to be open to influence and persuasion. It palpably demonstrates equality in the marriage. It shows a recognition that accommodation and negotiations are essential to resolving differences.

- listening is an act of caring, a sacrifice of time and attention and a conscious effort to join together in unity. It is through listening that emotional intimacy is nurtured and true support and sustenance are exchanged.

Why is listening hard? If listening opens the pathway to another’s soul, why is it so hard?

It could be that some people are hesitant because of what it may require. It does take a loving and humble heart to take responsibility for caring about what one learns. To listen well and not respond will cause greater pain than if the message was never heard.

In marriage the choice has already been made to give up part of one’s autonomy and to have a second life intertwined and interdependent with yours. To avoid dealing with the details and reality of a partner’s inner emotional life out of laziness, selfishness or fear is a form of desertion.

Listening isn’t easy. Others struggle because they don’t know how to listen. Listening is hard. Good listening requires the ability to detach from one’s own strong emotions, desires, and goals in order to emotionally enter another’s world - to understand and care about it. Here are some reasons why good-hearted people struggle with listening.

- Emotional flooding. People become poor listeners when they are flooded with their own thoughts and emotions while their partners are speaking. They can’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes because they are too worried about making their own shoes fit better. Feelings of, "What about me?" sometimes surge to the surface, despite intentions to listen. This may be connected with their own emotional history and lack of trust that his or her own needs will not be met.

Sometimes the inability to concentrate can be dealt with by being listened to first. Once he or she has expressed his or her issues and felt listened to, the emotional intrusion will hopefully subside.

- Overload. Another problem with poor listening is being overloaded with too much information. This can be as simple as the speaker going on and on, well beyond the limits of one’s attention span. Sometimes it could be the significance or emotional intensity of what is being said that can produce an overload.

This problem can be corrected by interrupting your spouse and letting him or her know that you need to summarize your understanding before he or she proceeds further. This will help your mate know the limits of your attention span. You can also help your spouse know when you are starting to lose emotional control and that it is beginning to interfere with your ability to listen.

- Interruptions. Another problem is the unwillingness of the listener to allow the speaker to finish his or her line of thinking before intruding with one’s own ideas or reactions. In ordinary conversations, we speak at a rate of between 125 -150 words a minute and we can comprehend about twice that much.

What do you think our 300 word a minute mind is doing when our partner is speaking at a paltry 110 or 120 words a minute? We think our own thoughts, jump ahead, assume we know where our partner is heading, prepare our rebuttal or helpful advice, and become anxious. Finally, we cut to the chase. We interrupt with our golden nuggets of wisdom - or worse.

To become a good listener, learn to control and hold your thoughts by following this simple rule: When you are listening, you can only summarize in a caring way about what is being said. You can’t give your own opinion, counter-argument or ask leading questions until you have gained the floor in the conversation. Now you are free to turn loose your 300 word a minute mind on what your 110 word spouse is saying and do a wonderful job of listening.

Don’t be anxious to "take the floor" until your partner is fully satisfied that he or she has been understood. Use good conversational etiquette to inquire if there is anything else that should be said before requesting the floor. Interruptions, except for issues around attention span, are not constructive.

Be curious and concerned. Learn to ask open ended questions and draw your spouse out by helping him or her express even deeper meanings that might have been originally intended.

Non-verbal communication such as body language, a soft and warm tone of voice and inflection communicate emotion, caring and interest. Appropriate touch also communicates concern and tenderness.