Jealousy: Something Can Come From Nothing

Once upon a time in a far away land known as the Rural Outback, there was a farmer named Jealous Husbandman. His friends knew him by the short but sweet nickname of Jelly.

Jelly was no ordinary farmer, for he had the good fortune to marry the fairest and most beautiful maiden in this far flung, sparsely settled country, the lovely Miss Jamie Innocent, known affectionately by her close friends as Jam.

Jam and Jelly were quite the pair in those halcyon days of their courtship. They enjoyed each other immensely. They were together so much one could not think of Jam without thinking of Jelly. Jelly accepted his good fortune as a matter of course.

Jelly was a reserved man and a hard worker. He had common sense and was a bedrock of strength and virtue. He was handsome in his way but it was his steadiness and values that proved to be the real attraction for free-spirited Jam.

Jam had an easy way with people. She was exuberant, fun-loving and wore her emotions on her sleeve. She brought sparkle and fizz to any gathering. As any true innocent, her trust in others knew no bounds. She always acted herself and said what she thought.

Time passed. Jelly counted himself lucky to have found such a woman for his lifelong companion. He was reminded of this by her magnetic attraction at church socials, softball games, and family gatherings. When they went dancing and imbibed a little, he was acutely aware of how irresistible she was.

One dark day, Jelly had equally dark thoughts. "What does she see in me. I am just a ‘dumb’ farmer. I am not good enough for her. I see how my friends look at her. I’d better be careful. I don’t trust men. I know how they are."

Jelly started to clip Jam’s wings. He complained about how she acted in public. He didn’t want to go dancing. And when he did, his mood would turn ugly. He found fault with Jam’s friendliness and her proximity to certain men.

Jelly’s mind began to work overtime. The accusations started. He subjected Jam to intense interrogations about why she gave a certain look and why she brushed up against so-and-so. Jam, who didn’t think twice about her motives, resented having to explain her innocent behavior.

Jelly started putting two and two together and came up with five. Every event was scrutinized. What Jelly thought happened became his blueprint for reality and none of Jam’s explanations swayed him.

Jam couldn’t believe her ears. Where was his trust in her? Why did Jelly act like she had no sense and no moral values? She could no longer be herself in public. After several embarrassing events, she would try to reason with her formerly logical husband. He would twist her words and believe what he wanted to believe. After several failed attempts to reason with him, Jam shut down and pulled away from him.

The bird who was so free was being put in a cage. Jelly was becoming a recluse and expected her to do the same. After a severe depression, Jam decided to leave him. She could no long take the verbal abuse and harassment.

Jelly was panic stricken. His worst nightmare was coming true. He wanted to keep her at all costs. He threatened her. He threatened himself. He was a shell of his former self. He couldn’t bear to be without her.

Jam and Jelly go for counseling. Though it is not the tradition in Rural Outback country to go for counseling, Jelly agreed to go. This is what Jelly learned about himself and his situation.

- He learned that there were no rivals for his wife’s heart. His own feelings about himself were at the heart of the problems. He became over-awed by his wife’s ability to socialize, her attractiveness, and then lost sight of his own worth and qualities that brought Jam to his side in the first place. Despite her reassurances to the contrary, he couldn’t believe she would find him attractive.

- His jealousy and control created a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more he tried to control her through his accusations, interrogations and surveillance, the more angry and unloving Jam became. Threats and force do not keep love, they kill it. Jam was not a possession and didn’t like being treated like one.

- Jelly had to reaffirm his belief in himself and believe that he was truly worthy of Jam, despite his social inhibitions. Opposites attract. He loved her energy, spontaneity and fun. She brought him something he lacked.

Jam also brought things she needed - his steadiness, commitment, good judgment, and detail-oriented workstyle. He was OK just the way he was. He had to trust his own desirability as a husband, something Jam believed in far more than he did himself.

- Jelly learned to lighten up. Then he could focus on Jam’s needs, listen to her feelings and urge her to be social again without worry or fear. He became more respectful and trusting in her choices. He encouraged her friendships and communicated with her at a much deeper level. Jelly got back to being himself and regained his sense of humor. And in his way, he actually became more fun.

So if you happen to go to Rural Outback country and meet Jam and Jelly, you’ll find they are still together and even sweeter than ever.