To the Newlyweds: A Recipe for How to Stay in Love

Here is some marital advice for a new couple as they begin their new life together. I am using the names Alex and Jenica for this column. To the groom, these thoughts are written with men in mind. To the bride, you can use the same advice but with a more feminine twist on how you can be difficult. Just reverse the names, change the pronouns and substitute your favorite weaknesses. 

Do This for Best Results 

Commitment. The solemnity and strength of your commitment will protect your marriage from both internal and outside pressures. You married each other under God’s blessing and covenant. Live the promises and vows you just made. Your promises were to God as well as each other. Remember and keep the promises, hopes and dreams that brought you to your wedding day. Each for the other, both for God. 

Fight for your marriage. Go for counseling if you need to. Do whatever it takes to make it what it can be - one of the supreme sources of joy in this life.

Meet needs. Alex, find out what pleases Jenica and please her. Turn your loving actions into habits. Be the source of her greatest happiness. Learn the desires, hopes and dreams of the soul of the unique person you married. Become an expert on what she needs and make meeting those needs your top priority. 

Because of the vows you made, Jenica has given you the exclusive right to meet some or most of these important needs. You are it. The only one. You play a vital role in your spouse’s happiness. If you do not meet these needs, it is unfair to her to go through life without alternatives.

Your needs are not her needs. Identify your needs and her needs. Communicate them to each other. Learn to meet them. The trap is that you might assume that your needs are a blueprint for her needs.

Comparing emotional needs. If the two of you were to discuss what would make you the happiest, you probably would mention needs for admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment and unwavering adherence to religious faith. Her priorities from this list will be different from your own. If you get the top 3 or 4 needs right, the others won’t be that hard. 

Marriage has to meet your needs as well. Your sacrifice and devotion should be based on actions that bring you joy also. You will have to learn to negotiate solutions that work for both your best interests. Live a lifestyle that takes into account each other’s goals and feelings.

Make time for her. Talk to her. Listen with your heart. Spend leisure time together. Give priority to couples activities. The single scene is in your past. Keep it there.

Have fun. Be affectionate. Be a good listener. Give her your undivided attention. Your care and attention are the building blocks of love. Be the first one to love. “We love Him because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19 

Don’t Do This – It Never Works and it’s Not Pretty                 

You can take away from the love you create by actions that destroy love. Not only do you have to protect her from others, you have to protect her from yourself. Here are some behaviors to avoid. Don’t worry, she’s already figured out that you’re not a “monster.” Keep it that way.  

Don’t be pushy or make selfish demands. Don’t attempt to force Jenica to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Don’t gain at her expense. Instead of selfish demands, make thoughtful requests. If you detect reluctance, withdraw your request and discuss alternatives that she would endorse. 

 Don’t make disrespectful judgments. Jenica is entitled to her way of thinking, attitudes and behavior. Don’t try to change her way of thinking by lecture, ridicule, threat or negative aspersions to her thoughts or personality. She is your equal. The respectful way you talk to her will keep your disagreements from harming your relationship. Instead of disrespectful judgments, try patient and respectful persuasion. 

Avoid angry outbursts, rages, uncontrolled temper and simmering resentments. Anger is a form of hurt just like selfish demands and disrespectful judgments. Anger doesn’t solve problems. It brings up problems but not in the best way. . It is also a cry for help but it doesn’t come across that way. It doesn’t encourage cooperation. Anger creates anger. Learn to disengage and explain your feelings when you are in control

Get rid of annoying or self-destructive habits. If you do something habitually that bothers Jenica, don’t expect her to get used to it. You don’t live in her skin. As a man, you probably have more than a few annoying habits than she does. Take her complaints seriously. If the list seems endless, tackle the top ones first. Addictions are the worst. Judge her intent. It is to help you become better. 

Don’t be too independent from each other. Don’t make choices that affect Jenica’s life without consulting her and getting her agreement. Your life affects her life. Coordinate your career, leisure activities, religious practices, family involvement, future parenting, and service to others with each other. Schedule and plan together.

Don’t be dishonest. Be open about yourself. Let Jenica know you - your emotional reactions, thoughts, feelings, habits, likes and dislikes. Be completely open about your personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. Don’t lie. Tell her the truth about things she wouldn’t know to ask about. If you are honest about yourself, hidden problems won’t surprise her. Honesty gives you a chance to work out your differences, solve problems and face mistakes/poor judgment as a couple.

Final Advice. Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative. 

Keep the feeling tone of your relationship at least 70-80% positive in relation to negative interactions. Too much negativity has a disproportionate impact on everything else that could be otherwise considered wonderful. Build your bank account of love for those moments when you need it. Not all problems and mistakes are equal. Some require heartfelt apologies and genuine forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift, trust is earned.