Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
Search:  
Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Intense Boyfriend Is His Own Worst Enemy

November 3, 1997

Sam and Bonnie - not their real names - started off well. Sam was handsome, charming, fun-loving and quite vulnerable despite his history of many relationships. He was fine until things got serious. Bonnie was beautiful, witty and level-headed. She was wary and had some depth. She had been hurt in a couple of relationships.

There was something fresh and special to their relationship. Sam was able to talk about his troubled past for the first time and it felt really good. He kept pushing for the relationship to be closer and closer.

Bonnie had her doubts. She had seen and heard too much to have confidence in Sam. Sure, he was fun and good-looking, but his child-like innocence and dependency on her was alarming. She was too important to him and this was scary. Their physical intimacy was powerful and drew her in despite her better judgment.

She learned that behind his outward arrogance and command, he had real problems with self-confidence and responsibility. She cared about him but did not trust him.

Bonnie tried to pull away and slow things down. Their relationship turned for the worse. Sam became insecure, clutching, clinging, demanding, intense, suffocating and suspicious. He was like a kid whose candy store was being taken away. The thought of losing Bonnie triggered fears of abandonment from his childhood. Now that he discovered real caring, he wasn't about to let her get away.

His phone calls were incessant. He was a royal pain in the butt. He wouldn't know how to end a conversation. He kept on trying to make things better through sheer persistence and emotional force.

The guy had no boundaries at all. Bonnie told him not to do certain things but he did them anyway. There was an ugly incident where he wouldn't let her leave and got physical with her.

Sam was mortified and apologetic but real damage had been done. This was almost the final straw. Sam began to talk suicide and Bonnie felt trapped. She cared about him, but she didn't want to take on all his problems. She didn't want a needy son/brother/friend but a strong independent man who had more stability and control of his life.

Sam pulled a few more stunts. The emotional circus became even more dramatic. Sam became a complete mess.

Bonnie is now starting to feel afraid for herself, for him and for what he might do. She is starting to think about him going to a counselor. She wants to be his friend but his intense passion for her is a major turnoff.

What should Sam do? Bonnie woke Sam up to his inner life, to the pain and hurt behind his arrogant mask. He set his sights on real love and family life. But trying to work all this out with Bonnie made him less of a man in her eyes.

Sam needs counseling. This will take some time. He didn't get this way overnight and he can't flick a switch and suddenly handle himself with maturity and class. The easy thing would be to go back to the bar and drown his sorrows with his single friends and meaningless relationships.

However, Sam needs to work through his childhood issues with his parents. He needs to look at how he handled himself in past relationships and his own role in why these relationships turned bad. His needy and demanding manner had its roots long before Bonnie came into his life.

Sam needs to let go of Bonnie. He needs to change for himself and not just as a way of getting Bonnie back. If Bonnie should somehow be willing to let him stay in her life, then his contact with her should be infrequent, light-hearted and fun. No heavy scenes. No depending on her for emotional support.

Sam should absolutely respect her requests and wishes. Any stepping over the line will be evidence to her that his demanding needs will overwhelm his common sense. Any incidents of jealous accusations, physical abuse and overbearing attempts to persuade or control her will spell the death knell of this relationship.

Sam needs to figure out how to be happy with himself. He needs to know what his goals and ambitions are and how get to get moving toward them. He needs emotional and career stability. He needs to be good at managing his life.

Can Sam do this? Maybe he can. Maybe he can't. It does take a crisis for people to wake up and make major changes in their lives.

What should Bonnie do? Get away and stay away. A clean break would probably be the most sensible way of dealing with Sam.

But if the tug on her heartstring is too strong, here is the deal. She should set the rules and make things tough on him. She shouldn't be around him too much. She should shut off physical and emotional intimacy and see how he handles it.

The less Bonnie knows about his struggles and counseling, the better. When he has it all worked out, then she can hear the complete story of how he changed. She should notice the changes and be intrigued by them. Both his personal growth and the way he handles the relationship should speak for themselves.