Rural Harmony: Go Along To Get Along

It is a myth that rural people are socially isolated. If anything, living in sparsely populated communities increases the frequency of social contact. Rural people know lots of people and they know them well. The social environment is crowded and complex. If you want anonymity, go to the city.

In studying the social dynamics of a small community, psychologist Roger Barker found people take on many social roles to meet community needs.

Multiple roles. The same person may serve on different boards, communities or as a member of various groups. People are recruited and "pressured" into community service. At the same time, community members see and meet each other at church, school functions, games, stores, dealerships, card parties, weddings, funerals, community fund raisers and at the local cafes and bars. They "change hats" often and make subtle shifts in relationships depending on the roles they are playing.

How do people cope with complicated social relationships when goals and ideas come in conflict? By being "nice," that's how. Being "nice" means not rocking the boat, not engaging in controversy and not giving strong opinions. It means papering over conflict and living with the difference.

In a word; they "stuff it." Being "nice" is the socially correct way of coexisting in a rural community. To be other than "nice" invites criticism. It isn't safe not to be nice.

They live with private anger and opinions which they keep to themselves. Their public face and their private thoughts don't always match up. This isn't to say that rural communities don't have people who are genuinely kind, compassionate, nonjudgmental and open with their feelings.

These people don't have suppressed hostility and anger. They have a strong sense of identity. What you see is what you get. They are also nice. The rural community reinforces being "nice." It is in the public interest for community members to stuff their feelings and outwardly do the "right" thing.

Avoiding personal risks. Those who have difficulty in controlling their emotions or in resolving conflict find it easier to keep the peace. Being nice means they don't have to think, take a stand or risk rejection. If strong feelings and opinions are spontaneously expressed, a rural resident will likely encounter his antagonist in various social settings. The tension between them is awkward.

It isn't easy to keep roles and agendas separate. People are too interconnected to risk alienating each other or to start a feud. Nobody is leaving. People in rural communities stay put. One blowup might last a lifetime. Why risk it?

A woman from the sandhills of Nebraska' shared a wrenching story of personal betrayal from a close neighbor. She felt obliged never to mention the incident and to gracefully ignore the hurt she felt. She discreetly avoided her neighbor and never trusted her again. She lived with the pain.

Why? She said that they were so distant from help that if there was ever an emergency on her place, she would need her neighbors help. She didn't dare confront her neighbor for fear she would cut off a needed lifeline someday.

People are judged on how good a neighbor they are. It is a major way people earn respect in a rural community. The unwritten code of conduct for being a good neighbor is much longer than the Ten Commandments.

Everyone has vested interests. If you oppose someone strongly in one setting, they may block your goals in another. If you push over too many apple carts, yours will be pushed over too. Small town politics function behind closed doors.

Even enemies have friends. The friend of your enemy is your friend. To make an enemy is to put a strain on your friend. Strong political controversy rips apart the delicate social fabric of a rural community. People don't know how to act when lines of conflict divide the community.

To be highly passionate on an issue may create tensions you live with today, tomorrow and possibly all your life. Harmony is the value that makes the community work. Even if power is concentrated and public interest isn't served, it is still seems better to most people than raw, open controversy that upsets the social system.

The best community leaders are scrupulously fair, polite and even-handed in their judgments. They are masterful with tact and diplomacy. They don't personalize conflict nor do they transfer the conflict from one setting to the next.

The downside. When controversy spills over into the public arena, people don’t know how to act. They are too polarized by the controversy. They personalize the issue and take sides. There isn’t enough experience with conflict to know how to negotiate or search for middle ground.

Also it is easy to stick your head in the sand and ignore injustice, abuse of power or harm to the public good. Calling attention to the problem will ruffle somebody’s feathers. Going along to get along perpetuates the status quo. Change is hard in rural communities because of the inertia created by the need for social harmony.

Where does suppressed hostility and anger go? How does the community make important decisions and avoid community controversy? Try gossip, social ostracism, and other indirect means of aggression. That's where the niceness stops. Some people find out the hard way that rural communities aren’t so nice.