Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

With Adult Children, How Much Do We Help?

August 7, 2006

"Home is a place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." - Robert Frost.

With children you are never completely off the hook. The journey into adulthood is uneven. Here are some reasons why.

- The dependency on parents for the cost of higher education prolongs adolescent attitudes into the mid-20s and sometimes longer. The 18 year-olds of 40 to 50 years ago were more mature and ready for adult responsibilities than the 24 to 25 year-olds of today.

Living together before marriage has become a form of dating. The couple isn’t bound into a separate unit that takes on its own full responsibility. This confuses everyone.

- Expectations surrounding lifestyle have increased. Doing too much for children during teenage and young adult years sets high expectations for a comfortable standard of living. When they are finally on their own, they experience feelings of inner dissatisfaction with the relative deprivations for things and experiences they used to have. Today’s needs are yesterday’s wants.

- The concept of making do, being patient and struggling with building equity, putting away savings, and living within one’s means seems foreign when young adults have always had what they wanted in life. Now they have credit cards.

- Adult children need help with down payments on homes. They may need financial help during times of marital separation and divorce, car breakdowns and other bona fide emergencies.

Help or bailout? What are the guidelines? How often should parents bailout their children when they make mistakes? What is legitimate? What is enabling and interfering with their halting and reluctant steps toward taking responsibility for themselves? How often do you stand by and allow adult children to experience the consequences of their poor decisions?

1. Let the children be the ones to initiate any request for help. If they have a good track record of taking adult responsibilities, then they are the best judges of when things are beyond their control and what help they would need.

They understand that the assistance they are requesting is temporary and an exception to their normal ability to handle their affairs. Offering help before they ask may preempt their own abilities to deal with a difficult situation.

2. Saying no is a form of love. Struggle is a step toward maturity. Adult children grow from their mistakes. Doing too much for adult children can be harmful to their growth and development. They gain strength, self-confidence, and judgment through managing their own affairs. It is a dilemma for parents, especially ones with means, to know when and how to be supportive and wise in the help they offer their children.

Bailing them out, rescuing them and covering for their mistakes postpones their development. Not all requests are justified. Your own judgment comes into play. The circumstances for helping truly need to be exceptional instead of a regular "fix".

Don’t let them intimidate you through emotional blackmail, verbal abuse, threats of dire consequences, withholding love or access to your relationship with them or their family. Suggest they seek professional help or counseling for their problems.

3. Don’t shy away from listening to them in times of acute crisis and loss. Some parents have decided that they are unwilling or not in a position to help financially. They have initiated a "don’t ask, don’t tell" policy that feels like abandonment to adult children. Material support may not always be appropriate, but emotional support is.

Adult children need to know you care. Older, wiser parents still form a bedrock of security in a tough, uncertain world. Listen with your heart. If they should need more than listening, then your listening will make it easier for them to look for other options.

4. Help is temporary. Discuss the terms, guidelines and expectations you have for the help you are offering. Let help know under what conditions or circumstances the help will stop. The same is true about repayment.

If an adult child is returning home to live, be clear about your expectations. They can live in your home as respectful and contributing adults. Keep avenues of communication open to discuss issues as they arise.

5. Don’t control your children through emotional or financial blackmail. "Do it my way or else." In delicate matters, hear them out, then voice your honest opinion and feelings. Indicate that your advice is just advice and they are free to do what they wish to do. Even if they don’t take your advice, give them your emotional support and love. Putting strings on your love and support is not the same thing as negotiating reasonable agreements.

6. Accept the in-laws wholeheartedly. Your son or daughter’s primary loyalty should be to their spouse. Relate to them as a couple. Don’t try to have a special relationship with your child that forces them to be in conflict with their spouse.

Don’t take sides in a marital dispute. Be non-committal and be a good listener. Refer them to professional counseling or to the clergy. If they divorce, you then can sort through your loyalties and offer your own child the special support he or she needs.

Relationships with adult children and their families can be the most rewarding in life. These relationships work well when there is healthy boundaries, mutual respect, good communication, and a clear understanding of how and when to give help.