Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

ABC's Of Teaching Respect In The Home

February 6, 2006

Almost daily we read or hear about the rising tide of teen-age violence, bullying in schools and other anti-social behavior. Concerned parents, educators, religious and civic leaders worry about the decline of traditional moral values in our homes and communities.

Psychologist William Damon in his book, "The Moral Child," describes the role of parents in developing cooperation, respect for authority and social responsibility in their children.

Respect for authority. Parents shape their children's feelings of obligation to obey family rules through rewards and sanctions. Family rules are extensions of society's rules. According to Damon, "The child's respect for authority is the single most important moral legacy that comes out of a child's relation with his parents."

The affectionate relationship parents have with their children is an inducement for cooperation. The more secure or attached children are to their parents, the more likely they are to comply with family rules.

Teaching respect. Effective parents combine firm direction and control while maintaining a warm and supportive relationship with their children. Their communications are honest and direct. They expect a lot. Children are confronted about actions that are harmful to others. This is done in a manner that is not overly harsh or intrusive. Parents openly express their own emotional response to the child's misdeeds and explain the reasons for their reactions.

They consistently expect children to bear their share of personal and family responsibilities and prohibit other activities deemed harmful. Parents demonstrate their commitment to social norms and family values by being consistent in their follow-through. They teach their children to obey legitimate authority and authority figures in their lives.

The goal of discipline is to help the child act properly and come away from the event remembering why it was important to do so. As children grow older, they come to see authority as something mutually agreed on that serves everyone's interests. Damon states, "There is no more effective facilitator of moral development than fostering children's willingness to take responsibility for good and bad deeds."

Guidelines for discipline

1. First gain control of your emotions. Don’t discipline in anger. Children may learn to suppress behavior in your presence but they won’t internalize the principles you are trying to teach them. Disengage immediately and take as much time as you need to get control of your emotions.

2. Short of abuse, as parents you need to support each other’s discipline in front of each other. Don’t undermine the respect for authority children need to have for each parent.

If you see something wrong or misguided about your spouse’s discipline, talk to your spouse in private about the matter. Work out your philosophical differences and establish a uniform approach to discipline.

3. Have preestablished rules and consequences. With preestablished rules and consequences, both you, your spouse and the children can anticipate and predict what will happen when discipline is needed. Otherwise, as a parent, you will be put in a spot of inventing rules or consequences on the spot. If emotions are involved, it is likely that the punishment will not fit the crime. Also children will feel inclined to protest and debate the unfairness or arbitrary nature of what is being imposed.

Parents also get caught in the trap of over explaining their ideas and encouraging endless debates and arguments.

4. Be consistent. Without consistency, you have no rules and consequences. A rule isn’t really a rule unless there is consistent follow through. Children will challenge authority if they feel there is a chance that you will give in and ignore your own system. There is room for leniency and exceptions if you first establish your authority by your consistency.

Four rules for basic respect. Parents, through their own lack of emotional control or ineffective discipline can have children who are verbally and physically aggressive to their siblings. They themselves are confronted with back talk and disrespect.

These four rules of respect apply to the parents as they interact with each other, in how they treat their children, how children need to act toward parents and lastly how children need to treat each other.

1. No touching in anger. This establishes a clear boundary on the limits of anger. By no touching, I mean no hitting, shoving, tripping, pushing, flipping, or any variation of physical contact, restraint, harassment or intrusion.

2. No destroying property, whether it is your own or others. This means no fists through walls, slamming doors, no throwing, breaking, ripping or damaging anything personal or valuable. Personal property needs to be respected just like the physical body of the individual. Watching the destruction of property is intimidating and causes fear.

3. No threats of physical harm or threats to property. Verbal threats are just about as intimidating as the action itself. Depriving a child of a possession can be an effective tool of discipline if ground rules for removal are incorporated into a preestablished system of rules and consequences. Hollow improvised threats weaken discipline.

4. No labeling, name calling, profanity, obscenities, or verbal assault on someone’s personality, character or self-esteem. Family members can express their displeasure without resorting to personal verbal attacks. The prohibited expressions need to be specifically taught as a taboo in disagreements or anger outbursts.

These rules need matter-of-fact consequences that are consistently enforced.

                                                                    Addendum

Beyond respect. These rules are just the beginnings of respect. Additional rules and expectations around common courtesy, manners and mutual consideration are necessary to refine respect into habits that help children with their peers and other adult authority figures in their lives.

Children need opportunities for service in and out of the home. Affluence makes it too easy for children and teens to concentrate on their own entertainment, education and self-development without a balance of social responsibility and concern for others. Overcoming self-centeredness is a lifelong project but especially important as teens get ready for adult life.

Parental openness. Damon also suggests that parents need to be open about their emotions and responses to moral dilemmas in adult lives. This means sharing emotions, describing them clearly and answering questions about them candidly. Parents who show and identify their own emotions have children who are more emotional and responsive to others.

Children need to learn how respected adults in their lives manage their moral feelings and decisions. By watching how parents handle guilt, anger, fear or uncertainty children learn how to deal with their own feelings. Not enough parents explain the their own dilemmas and actions to their children.

Parental example. Parents who are empathic and are good at taking the perspective of others have same sex children who show concern for others. Girls learn to show sympathy for others when emotions, either positive or mildly negative - sadness, not anger - are expressed. Boys need to be taught to express their feelings and to take positive action steps when dealing with strong emotions instead of either stuffing their feelings or exploding in frustration.

Children who are raised in homes where anger is frequently expressed experience personal distress and anxiety at another's problem. They are not as likely to be helpful.

Respect begins at home. It begins with parents.