A Long, Long Path To Divorce

Betty: "Dear, it's over. I'm leaving."

Jerome: "No! No! You can't mean that! I can't believe you're leaving me after all these years.

Why didn't you say something sooner?"

Betty: "I did. Many times! But you weren't listening."

Why is it that one partner has given up while the other reacts with such surprise?

Try and try again. Betty’s repeated attempts to improve their relationship met with failure. At various times, she forcibly expressed her dissatisfaction, but when rebuffed time after time, she withdrew and silently nursed her unhappiness and resentment. Jerome was defensive, argumentative and just plain stubborn. He didn’t give an inch.

Betty was unsure on herself. Maybe it was her. What was she doing wrong? Betty didn’t like fighting and confrontation. It was easier to let him have his way than to hassle him and have him reject her - again. Jerome was OK without the communication. He didn't want to deal with her unhappiness nor did he want to change.

Withdrawal. Betty continued to observe how one-sided their relationship had become. Jerome’s unwillingness to change or respond to her complaints was taken as evidence of his lack of love toward her. She tried then to get his attention through sullenness, anger, and a decrease in intimacy. That didn’t work either.

Jerome took her for granted. It didn’t dawn on him that Betty would ever leave. He believed it was his wife’s duty to stand by him and the children. To him marriage and family life was her responsibility.

Denial. Betty believed this too. She sensed personal failure if her marriage were to fail. How could she communicate that her marriage was in trouble if she couldn’t accept it herself? Her hopes and dreams for herself and the children, along with the expectations of parents, friends, and the community kept her from facing her own unhappiness.

The longer her unhappiness remained unacknowledged by herself and her husband, the more time she had to withdraw emotionally from the relationship. No longer trying to change her situation, she went through the motions of marriage while hiding her true feelings. Betty went underground with her feelings for more than a year and a half.

No wonder Jerome was surprised. He didn’t notice Betty’s lack of involvement. He did notice that her complaints and anger had diminished. He was happy. He was clueless how unhappy Betty had become.

Diversions. Next, Betty tried to deal with the lack of closeness in her relationship by turning to interests outside of her marriage. Her job became an important source of satisfaction for her. She poured her energies into it and got a welcome boost to her self-esteem.

Bonds developed. She sought solace by sharing her unhappiness with others who understood and sympathized with her. This deep communication was precisely what she wasn't getting with her husband. The gap between them widened.

Husband wants intimacy. Jerome sensed her emotional withdrawal and began to pressure her to cut back her contacts outside of the family. Now he became jealous, possessive and controlling. To Betty, he seemed to be an "enemy" of her newly found happiness. Jerome’s efforts to regain a connection with her repelled her as she didn’t want affection or even his company. Again his "unloving" behavior came under her unflattering microscope.

The possibility of leaving was now being consciously entertained. Betty sought a confidant who helped her with answers to questions about the effects of a breakup on the children, the reactions of friends and family, the economics of survival, loneliness, and her husband's potential reactions.

Conspiracy of silence. Now her cover up became deliberate. She dodged conversations and his complaints. She didn’t want an honest conversation with him and tip her hand. She was still uncertain. She wasn’t sure she was strong enough to deal with him in a discussion about divorce. The pressure would surely come if she did.

His complaints were buried in a context of a daily routine that was acceptable to both of them. The pattern of their arguments seemed ordinary and repetitive.

Now, both partners had a vested interest in suppressing how bad things were getting. Even questions about the marriage were being asked gently. Jerome was buying time. Betty was avoiding confrontation until she felt ready to leave. Both frittered away their last chance to do something positive about the problem.

Finally, Betty had the self-confidence and courage to confront him with her desire to leave. It was too painful to stay any longer. She was ready to lay out the whole story. "It is over."

Jerome finally gets it. Betty’s intensity about her desire to leave and her lack of willingness to work things out struck Jerome like a ton of bricks. He had no idea she was that unhappy. He was finally listening.

Now he was willing to change. He would go for counseling.

Betty had a closed mind. She was emotionally dead. It had been way too many years without change, without a real marriage, without real closeness. It seemed like Jerome was just trying to "save his own skin."

The emotional cost that went into Betty’s decision to leave was enormous. Betty had confronted and made choices that were painful and difficult. She didn't want to cross that bridge again despite his pleas and promises. She didn't want to risk becoming vulnerable. How could she trust him at this point?