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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Readers Share Feelings On Women And Farm Ownership

September 19, 2005

The letter written by the Illinois farm woman who was battling cancer struck a chord with readers and brought the following responses. In her letter, she recounted her frustration with a controlling mother-in-law, her lack of ownership in farm assets and the insensitivity of her husband to her concerns.

Feels validated. To the Illinois farm woman: I am so proud of you for putting into words what I have felt for 52 years. Every word was exactly the way my life has been. Thanks for speaking out. - An Iowa reader

Abusive marriage. Thanks. It helps to know other wives have had problems too. I loved the farm but not always the farmer. Not all cruelty and abuse comes from in-laws.

My husband had a terrible temper and was abusive to me and my children. Of course any problems in our marriage were my fault. I begged him to get help. I was told you do not talk to doctors about these kinds of things. After my children were finally through college, I left with the advice of a doctor and my therapist. They both told me I could get hurt or killed.

I was told I owned nothing, not even the chair I sat on! Everything belonged to him. My name wasn’t on anything that was concerning the farm. Any checks of any kind were all to be made out to him. The farms had been put in both our names by a lawyer. Thanks goodness!

I lived through 40 years of controlling behavior and with mental and physical abuse. I thank God everyday for my freedom." - an Iowa reader.

Wake up and deal with it early. I am responding to the letter from the woman who felt she was unfairly treated in her life with her husband who could not see beyond his ruling mother. A few years back, I wrote a letter to another columnist on the same situation.

These are sad times for women who fall into this type of situation. One is blamed for so much, you begin to believe it is your fault and are no good. Please keep using these letters so the younger wives will wake up. There will be no change as long as a son’s mother is what she is.

It is better to hurt in the beginning and move on as a couple than to live your life everyday being hurt and bitter.

That is too bad because I know a lot of mothers-in-law who are wonderful to their sons’ wives. I tell both the mother and daughter-in-law how happy I am they have the kindness and respect they have for each other. They do not realize how they are blessed. - an Iowa reader.

Use your resources. I have advice for the dear woman you wrote about who is facing cancer. First, go on-line and research the best cancer treatment centers in the world and then make appointments at the best three clinics.

Tell your husband he is taking you to your scheduled appointments. Tell him you are finally going to fight and that you want his support and encouragement. Tell him that you are going to explore different options and if your insurance doesn’t cover treatment that you expect him to come up with the funding. Period. You are still here, writing very moving letters. It is not "too late".

You do have interest in the farm. Any lawyer could see that. You might offer to visit one should your husband balk at your suggestions. So what if you have to sell some ground if expensive treatment would keep you alive? Prioritize.

I’m relating strongly because I too am an Illinois farm wife with an 80 year old controlling mother-in-law who never figured out what a wonderful person I am and never will. She wants "control" more than she wants anything else. Please, stand up for all of us and break this pattern! You have great insight to offer! I’ll keep you in my prayers! - An Illinois reader

Poor estate planning. Thanks for your fine columns. Many times, they have certainly touched home. Unfortunately, this is one sad story about the woman with cancer, her name on the loans but no name on any property.

I have had some issues in this farm family and, after 28 years, I still have not really been recognized as part of the family. But nothing as bad as what she has had to endure.

My father-in-law died several years with everything put in trust for my mother-in-law who is now in a nursing home. We farm with his brother and rent her land. My husband and his brother were nothing but hired men for over 20 years. They have done all the work for so many years to make their parents wealthy as they traveled to and fro....and will not be compensated anything extra. It is another sad case and "not fair" in my opinion.

Two sisters claim all possessions in the house and drooling as they can't wait to get their share of the land and estate. This fact has pretty much come out and brings nothing but bitterness. It is still a secret as to the outcome of what the will states.

At least, we, as a couple, have purchased some acres of our own with both names on it. I feel truly sad for this woman. Similar instances of this same nature have happened in this area.

What's the solution? - A Minnesota reader.