A Marriage Is Supposed To Be About Coming Together, Isn't It?

In my counseling practice, I have had a few older couples in their retirement years come with sharp disagreements about what their lifestyles are supposed to be like.

Three examples. One woman complains that her husband’s main purpose in life is buying things. Even though he is retired, without consulting her he buys expensive farm machinery, justifying it with flimsy purposes. He keeps himself busy by volunteering to do farm work for others while she complains about their relationship being put on the back burner.

Another couple, also retired, has a huge dispute about the husband’s need to be constantly working on extensive property renovations and his many purchases made without her consent. His wife sits in the house and stews and fumes. He complains about her lack of support and interest in anything, but especially her disdain for his "vision" and work projects.

Another retired couple struggles with the husband’s unilateral antiquing and going to farm auctions, to the point where their farmyard and storage areas are filled with what the wife considers junk and he considers treasures. He has some vague plans for reselling the items or preserving them for posterity. It keeps him busy but the cost of his hobby and the clutter is adding up fast.

In each of these cases, their lack of unity is causing unhappiness in marriages that worked well during their working lives.

I also received these letters that illustrate the same point.

Meet Mr. All Work and No Play. My husband and I started a dairy farm in the late 60s. We are both high school graduates. We have five children that have helped get us where we are today.

In 1997, for the first time, I got a job off the farm. I work as a cook in a nearby school to help with health insurance and to have some outside of the farm exposure. My husband is a real homebody and could care less about extra curricular activities or fun.

My problem now is the kids have grown and moved away and we still have the same number of chores. It is getting to me.

Since I started off-farm work, I get up with him at 5:00 am to do what I can before I have to be at school. I go to work and then come home to do a little around the house. I go back to the barn for night chores. We get the work done about 8:00 p.m. seven days a week.

We have never taken a vacation. It’s been a tough 37 years. I can not do this much longer and when I tell him this, he says he does not know what to do. It just angers him every time I bring the topic up. It seems like all we are doing these days is arguing. I was just wondering if you had any suggestions as to what I can do.

Meet the most boring husband anyone could ever have. I have been married for over 50 years. I am in my late 60s and my husband is in his mid 70s. We have had a relatively happy marriage with several children who are doing well in life. We are both retired.

My husband has always been a loner, and as he ages, he has become more so. Currently, he spends every day and evening in his workshop. He prefers to be alone and is quite uncommunicative. He is not ill in any way.

Our sex life - which had always been active and fulfilling - abruptly ended with no waning or warning. That might not be so bad, but so did all kissing, hugging, or touching of any kind. We are living a brother/sister life now. If I complain, he will tell me, "You're crazy - that's over now." He comes to bed, curls into a fetal position away from me, and I have not had a goodnight kiss in years.

His schedule is rigid. Up at 6:45 a.m; eats oatmeal at 8 a.m; coffee with friends at 9 a.m; lunch at 11:30 am; upstairs for a nap immediately thereafter; out to shop upon awakening; in at 4 p.m. to play computer games for exactly one hour; supper at 6 p.m. and out to the shop immediately; comes in at 8 p.m., plays computer games for exactly one hour; watches TV until news is over; to bed at 10:30 p.m.

He does not want to go anywhere with me; hates crowds of people; even tires quickly if we happen to go to our children's homes far away. He is about the most boring husband anyone could ever have, and I feel that he is uncaring. Anyone else would have left him long ago.

There is no way that I can discuss this with him - he gets mad immediately and that's the end of the conversation. I KNOW that there are lots of women who are living the same kind of loveless lives.

My question to you is, what does one do in a situation like this? I have developed my own style of keeping busy, but at our age, one does not want or need to work all the time just to keep occupied. A marriage is supposed to be a coming together and an enjoyment of each other's company. It certainly hasn't happened in our case.