Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Four Qualities Of A Loving, Life-long Marriage

February 28, 2005

What makes for strong, loving and life-long marriages?

1. The pleasure of companionship. Attraction in courtship is based on physical attraction, pleasure, fun, easy compatibility, mutual goals and interests, a deep connection through intimate disclosure, and the development of trust.

The euphoric "falling in love" experience leads to trust and commitment to each other in an exclusive and permanent bond. Without this base of "chemistry" and powerful attraction, marriage becomes a lot harder.

The chemistry is the easy part. It is almost too easy. Infatuation, pre-marital sex, and poor judgment may lead to mismatches. Some of the most unsolvable marriage problems come from mistakes made during courtship.

2. Strength of commitment. Mutual enjoyment isn’t enough to hold a marriage together. There are enough ups and downs, differences and difficult circumstances to challenge the best marriages.

Couples protect their relationship from outside influences and alternatives. Commitment is the bedrock that holds couples together when other forces pull them apart.

Each partner also has a set of cultural and religious norms about the appropriateness of when and under what conditions a marriage should be dissolved. The strength of these norms and the social costs of violating them are a powerful consideration in keeping their marital vows.

3. Marriage takes work. Loving couples make the effort to build their marriage by consistent, loving actions, and a willingness to put the well-being and happiness of one’s partner ahead of one’s self-interest. The strength of their bond depends on the amount of effort put into the marriage.

The value of a relationship grows with time. A couple accumulates a store of shared experiences that give their life meaning. The length of the marriage is a factor. A divorce after one or two years isn’t nearly as painful as after 35 years.

Emotional investment isn’t just about the amount of time a couple spends together but also about the quality of their shared experiences. Their bond is deepened by shared memories and activities. It is still about fun and doing things together. It is still about sharing deep emotional experiences, personal thoughts, feelings, fantasies, hopes and dreams.

- Shared identity. Couples, with time, learn about and come to depend on each other's habits of thinking, expression and basic assumptions. Each becomes increasingly accurate in anticipating and correctly identifying their partner's feelings and attitudes.

Personal identity is strengthened when couples share common meanings, perceptions and understandings. More importantly, a person comes to view him or herself on how their partner sees and responds to them.

Couples also use each other to remember past events. One partner doesn’t have to remember a particular event or detail because he or she knows their spouse remembers it. The more interdependent a couple becomes, the more their memories are jointly held between them. To lose a partner is to lose memory - to lose a part of oneself.

- Investing in each other. Another type of sharing is the gift of freedom, support and acceptance partners give one another in helping each other grow and develop along unique paths. A partner's support and encouragement help a partner express his or her best self. Couples invest their time, interest and attention in helping their partner become the good and desirable person each wants to be.

The investment is an investment in each other - a history of the many reciprocal acts of love and personal sacrifice for the other's well-being. As time passes, both have a stake in the talents and qualities of each other.

Many women express the sentiment that they don’t have the time or energy to break in and train another husband. It took too much work to establish a comfortable pattern of living together.

- Other connections. A couple gathers mutual friends, shared financial commitments, possessions, children and in-laws. The welfare of the children is a powerful inducement to maintain their marriage.

There are memories, love and obligations that are uniquely associated with their network of relationships. All that history and memory is unique to their life together and cannot be shared or understood by a new partner.

Divorce is expensive in both financial and emotional costs. There is much to lose beyond companionship when a couples divorces.

4. Willingness to be constructive. The final quality of a loving, long-lasting marriage is a couple’s commitment and willingness to confront problems, work through differences, take constructive action and persevere when satisfaction wanes or when the relationship is threatened or harmed.

Spouses demonstrate this willingness when they try to improve conditions by talking problems over, seeking help, or by changing behavior to solve a problem. They take seriously their partner's concerns and are willing to work for mutually acceptable solutions.

The ability to communicate effectively and solve problems keeps hope alive. Both partners have faith that conditions can be improved by their ability to exert their personal influence and by their partner's flexibility and reasonableness. They also show loyalty and commitment when they passively but optimistically wait for conditions to improve.

Committed couples moderate their reactions to a partner's destructive acts and inhibit their impulse to retaliate or react destructively in turn. In the interest of the relationship, unfairness and hurt are absorbed.

Important problems aren't ignored. They are merely postponed until the environment is conducive to positive problem-solving and good communications.

Partners in successful marriages minimize conflict, hostility, anger, criticism and negative judgments of one another. They are quick to apologize and equally quick to forgive.