Do We Get Out Of Farming?

A number of farm women have asked me to address this issue when they think their husband is in denial or depressed about farm debt. They feel he is is wasting time and resources avoiding the gravity of their plight.

Debt problems can highlight the differences in goals and values a farm couple can have about the importance of the farm and farming. When goals are different, you can be pulling against one another, no matter how loving or skilled your communication might be.

If you have goals in common, you can work together, support each other, talk and solve problems. How do you get on the same page? How do you cope as a team when you have radically different perspectives on what to do or even if there is a problem? Here is my advice.

- Get a second opinion on the finances. If your financial problem is deteriorating quickly and your husband is denying reality, have a dispassionate third party consultant come in and evaluate your situation and options.

There is nothing like facts and figures as a dose of cold reality. Let your husband explain his best scenario of meeting the debt crisis. Your consultant will gently help him realize if his plan will or will not pencil out. If his plan is based on "blue sky" assumptions, it will be questioned. If it has a chance, maybe you'll be the one that will find renewed hope.

There are financial advisors or farm management specialists in the agricultural community who can analyze your situation. The state department of agriculture may also have financial consultants or mediation services or can be a knowledgeable referral. Your consultant will know what options might be available to restructure, defer or mediate the debt.

- Create a crisis. If your husband refuses to deal with the books or a consultant, then you may have to take a stand that will force him to realize how serious this is for you. Take your stand early on while you still have feeling and respect for him. Often, people don't change until they have to, until their pain is great and their options are gone.

Don't make empty threats. Give an ultimatum with believable and specific consequences. Give him enough time to appreciate the gravity of your message. Sometimes a separation, or the threat of a separation, is enough pressure to overcome the barriers for a man to seek help.

- Agree to disagree. Establish a time line in which you both agree to work on his plan. At the end of that time you can sit down with new facts and figures and decide what comes next. Then both of you can evaluate if all your hard work and anxiety have made a dent in the problem.

- Use good communication skills. Don't try to solve problems in anger. Both of you need to understand each other's goals, perceptions and judgments of reality, and communicate that understanding. Then good listening will take place.

If you, as a couple, have difficulty communicating - being angry, bringing up the past, changing the subject, interrupting, walking off, criticizing, blaming, etc. - you may need a counselor to help you gain some skills before you can solve problems together. The financial crisis may be highlighting a marital problem that has needed to be addressed all along.

- Get help for depression. If your husband is depressed, suggest a visit with a professional - a family doctor, minister, good friend - someone that will draw your husband out and orient him toward further help. A depressed person often can't make good decisions until their depression has been relieved.

- Differences about lifestyle. If you are not happy with the farm lifestyle and finances are only a part of it, explain carefully about what you want and why you want it. If you, your marriage, or your family is suffering, explain why. The farm is a means to an end, not an end in itself. The end is your happiness¼and his.

Asking him to leave the farm for your sake is asking a lot. Asking you to stay is asking a lot. Your love for him and his love for you will be tested. Can you make a sacrifice and make the best of it? Can he?

- Being flexible. Many people stay stuck because they feel they don't have options. Express confidence in him and his abilities. Help him identify some dreams of a satisfying lifestyle outside of farming. Gather information about training programs and educational opportunities.

If it is you that needs to adjust, know that many women carve out distinctive, unique lives while living on a farm. If your heart isn't in farming, perhaps your husband will accept and support your nontraditional lifestyle while managing the farm as his thing.

Other couples in society have different careers and still have strong marriages. Admittedly, farming is more involving and is all around you, but it is how you both look at your situation that makes the difference.

- Do something. Whatever your strategy, time will not heal the problem. By doing nothing, the downward spiral of farm finances will take your marriage along with it. Find a way to get on the same side. Somehow.