Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

When The Unthinkable Happens. Coping With Sudden Death

June 19, 1995

Death is death. The person we know is irrevocably gone. All death is difficult, yet a sudden, unanticipated death - accidental, homicide, suicide - offers additional complications to the grief and mourning process.

Family and friends of the deceased take comfort in the social connection they feel with others during their time of grief. Tragedy victims need to know that people care. The response of friends means a lot. The response of strangers and the community validate their pain and loss.

Immediate help is important. Soothing and comfort given to victims during the first 48 hours after a tragedy improves their long term coping ability. The circumstances of the death evoke distinct images, physical sensations and disorienting emotions. Survivors need to know about typical reactions and what they are likely to go through. Disaster response counselors let survivors know their reactions are normal.

After the Oklahoma City bombing, Dr. Alan Wofelt, Director of the Center for Loss and Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, was consulted about victim grieving processes. He applauded the immediate outpouring of support and care for victims and their families. The community and the nation rallied around the survivors to express love and outrage over the loss of life in that tragedy.

Acute aftershock and numbing take place after a sudden death, Dr. Wofelt emphasizes. It is normal and healthy. Lives are dramatically uprooted and transformed through a single devastating event. The psychological defensiveness of denial and numbing buy time for survivors to assimilate the loss into their emotions and thinking. This numbing and "honeymoon" coping response needs to be respected.

Sudden death. With a sudden death, grief is often intense. Survivors may experience explosive and frightening emotions such as confusion, disorganization, vulnerability, guilt, fear, and anger. The loss overwhelms them. Rage responses are common. The sense of justice about the nature of the death turns the normal anger of grief into rage. Rage expresses a desire to restore things to the way they were before the death. Healthy grief requires that explosive emotions be expressed, not repressed.

Be there. Avoid advice, cliches and simplistic explanations. Listen nonjudgmentally. Most of the time, unless you make a major goof, survivors won't remember what you said, but they will remember whether you came and physically comforted them. Notes and remembrances also offer much solace.

Searching for meaning. Wofelt points out that survivors of traumatic, violent death deal with unanswerable questions, "Why?" and, "Why this way?" The survivor asks and searches for meaning. The tragic death has to be assimilated into a religious or philosophical frame of reference. 

The meaning and purpose of life are called into question along with God's role in human affairs. Doubts are normal. Past understandings may not be adequate for the present situation. Be a patient listener more than an advice-giver as the survivor struggles for deeper understanding of life.

Feelings of vulnerability. The sudden death may also create feelings of vulnerability, anxiety and an increased awareness of one's own mortality. The world seems to be no longer predictable, controllable or just. One sudden event can change everything. Trust is shattered. Traumatic death calls into question the goodness of the world, of other people and one's own ability to cope.

Psychologist Seymour Epstein states, "By being sufficiently guarded, hostile, and rejecting, the person ensures that he or she will never again be vulnerable in the same manner he or she was when overwhelmed by the traumatic experience." People have to work through their loss to restore their sense of security and trust in the world.

Delayed grief. Often, Wofelt cautions, the response of well-meaning friends and family is to push or speed up the grieving process. "Chin up." "Hurry up." "Buck up." "Get it behind you." Their own discomfort and lack of knowledge of the grieving process makes them pull back or pull away from the grieving survivor before grieving and mourning take place. Normal grief is sometimes delayed grief.

Wofelt feels that victims in Oklahoma City will experience a delayed onset to their grieving. Ongoing support is crucial for a year to two-and-a-half years after the tragedy. The big rush of support in the beginning was important but only a good start. Victims of other tragedies often take four or five months after a death to feel like they can benefit or even participate in a bereavement support group.

Support is vital six, eight, ten months after a tragedy when people are really able and willing to process their grief and reach out for the social support and connection they need. That need is just as real as attending the funeral or visitation and giving the survivor attention during the first few weeks after the loss.

When the unthinkable happens, we need to be there - quickly - and then stay in there for the long haul. Most of us understand the first part. The second part depends on the survivor's timetable, not ours.