Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

TWELVE IDEAS ON HOW TO HAVE A REALLY GREAT MARRIAGE

                     Here are twelve ideas on how to have a really great marriage.


1. Honor your vows. In the ups and downs of life, the only thing you have to fall back on is your character and honor in keeping the promises couples make to each other at the time of marriage. There will be times of unhappiness and vulnerability.


Protect your marriage by having strong boundaries that don’t allow for emotional intimacy with opposite sex friendships. They take energy and closeness away from the relationship. Be loyal in the way you speak publicly about each other. Keep your partner’s confidences.


2. Show love through actions on a daily basis. Anticipate and meet his or her emotional needs through daily acts of love and consideration. Be there for each other in times of joy and times of sorrow or threat. Sacrifice for his or her goals, growth, dreams, wishes and even whims.


Have a willing attitude about pleasing your partner and responding to requests and concerns. Love is  given freely even when it is difficult or inconvenient.


3. Express affection, admiration, appreciation and fondness. Expressions of love and appreciation for special qualities or efforts mean a lot. It goes beyond words to loving touches, embraces and holding. Show excitement and interest in your greetings and fondness in your farewells.


4. Share your lives through emotional intimacy. Create and share a private world where you confide deeply about life, joys, fears, hurts, frustrations and challenges. Talk often and openly about feelings and wonderment. Stay in touch with the details of each other’s emotional lives.


Use each other as sounding boards for talking a problem out loud, working through issues and gaining a valued perspective. Turn to each other for advice and comfort. Be a good listener. Show empathy and concern.


5. Enjoy each other’s companionship. Spend time together in mutually enjoyable activities. Laugh and play together. Find common interests. Make memories. Have adventures together.


Take time for leisure and light-hearted fun. Honor your specialness by celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other couple and family rituals with gusto and verve.


6. Keep romance alive. Make your marriage full of special surprises. Surprise your spouse with  gifts, special date night, time away or expressions of your love and appreciation. Take the time to really know each other so your surprises have meaning.


Marriage needs regular sexual fulfillment. Set the stage so the spark of passion stays alive.


7. Operate as a team. Share household responsibilities as equals. Parent as a team. Manage money as a team. Coordinate schedules and activities together. Plan and make decisions together. Support both your own family commitments and the extended family obligations as a team. Dream together and build a future together. Accept each other’s influence and ideas.


8. Manage your personal stress. Don’t bring anger, frustration and hurt from work or other situations into your home and unfairly take it out on those you love.


Take care of yourself through rest, leisure, exercise, and pleasant personal diversions. This will allow you to give energy to the marriage instead of being a source of strain and worry.


9. Be quick to apologize and forgive. Events will happen that are truly unfortunate, neglectful, mean-spirited, selfish and just plain wrong. Every relationship will have its emotional wounds and trauma experiences. Develop an attitude of resolving these issues quickly.


Try to learn about the impact of the mistake, acknowledge the harm that it causes, make amends if possible, ask for forgiveness and commit to preventing the hurt from occurring again.


If you are on the receiving end, be quick to forgive. To forgive is a choice. Trust will be earned through time and change in behavior.


10. Develop skills for resolving conflict. Conflict gives couples a chance to clarify their own thoughts and emotions. If not confronted, problems will grow and escalate. However, the process should be respectful and courteous.


Keep in mind that your partner has a unique and valid perspective on life. His or her feelings or opinions have value. They need to be understood and respected. Be open to influence. Don’t be so “right” that your loved one has to fight to be heard. You can disagree without being disagreeable.


Conflict resolution involves good listening, communicating clearly and not interrupting each other. It involves a willingness to compromise or to find solutions that work for both of you.


Minimize disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, selfish demands, defensiveness, blame, criticisms, contempt, or stonewalling to avoid the issue. How you feel about each other after differences have been aired is more important than what was solved.


11. Accept differences. Accept your partner’s feelings, differences and idiosyncrasies. Show patience and tolerance with each other’s weaknesses and imperfections.


Your loved one needs to know that he or she has a true friend and is safe with you. Your home should be a haven, not a battleground. In the interest of the relationship, there are times when unfairness and hurt needs to be absorbed.


12. Seek spiritual growth and purpose. As a couple you need a common foundation of meaning, purpose and goals. Your shared spiritual understandings, commitments, and values provide the basis for cooperation and mutual effort. Worship together and share your spiritual journey.


The future means something. The way you live life means something. Striving for common goals and sharing common values will unify you as a couple.


That’s it. It’s not easy but it is worth it.