Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

How To Bring Back The Intimacy You Once Shared

June 14, 2010

Do you remember the days of your courtship and early marriage? Remember the easy flowing conversation? Remember how you exchanged private and intimate thoughts about your past, your struggles, and your hopes and dreams? Do you remember sharing your hurt and pain, the joy, excitement and the silliness and seriousness of life?

Try to remember the inside jokes, the shared view of the world, the private vocabulary and brutal honesty that you saved for one another and no one else. From your unique vantage point, you looked out and saw the world in remarkably similar ways. No one was allowed to invade this realm of privacy reserved for just you two.

Yes, those were the days of wine and roses. Those were the days of being intensely fascinated by the details of your loved one’s life. You freely shared your world and took the risk of allowing yourself to be known. There was pleasure in knowing and accepting your loved one just as he or she was. This was not a time of imposition or projection but a time of exploration and discovery.

Together you opened the floodgates of the heart and let the essence of yourselves flow freely. You trusted that the good and beautiful would be prized and cherished while the bad and ugly would be faithfully discarded with kindness and charity.

So what happened? Why are you so distant? Why are you now afraid to share your life? Why are you no longer curious to know the details of your partner's thoughts and emotions? Where is the intimacy you once had? How can you get it back?

Problem: Too much conflict over differences. The easy acceptance was lost as you merged your lives. Fear and frustration in solving problems lead to a retreat from honesty and a mistrust of your partner's willingness to see your needs or position as legitimate.

Anger, criticism, rejection, hostility, indifference or failure create this fear to listen and understand. Contempt, criticism, defensiveness or a lack of willingness to engage the problem take a destructive toll on motivation to try to solve problems.

It is too hard. It is too painful. You stop trying. Communication breaks down. Lack of honesty and open expression are casualties of the unhealthy conflict.

Solution: Create a safe haven for expression of needs, fears, pain, frustration, doubts, anger, and differences of opinion. How people talk about their differences usually determines how they feel about one another. The process has to be pleasant and respectful.

Really listen and hear what is being said with your defenses down. Be as selfless as possible when listening to your partner. Screen out your own emotions and needs while focusing intently on his or her feelings and ideas. Be intuitive. Put yourself in his or her shoes. Take your partner to a deeper level of understanding.

Be a sounding board as your partner explores his or her reality. Don’t intrude in this process by imposing your own judgments, opinions, arguments, assumptions, or preferred explanations on his or her flow of ideas. Encourage more disclosure, more and deeper honesty by your understanding. Patiently wait your turn to express yourself. Listen with your heart.

Be tactful, tentative, conditional and exquisitely gentle in the way you talk about problems. Show an awareness that there are two opinions that matter and that differences are legitimate and solutions are to be negotiated. Conversational manners count more than you think.

Problem: There is not enough time for each other. This is a crazy, stress-filled world with too many demands, distractions, and counterfeit values that rob relationships of the time they deserve. By being too busy or too wrapped up in your own separate lives, you subtract time, energy or attention to the relationship that means the most.

Solution: Be clear about your priorities. Love takes time. Love takes companionship and doing things together. Having time together won’t happen unless you make it happen. Something else will have to give.

Find time for fun. For playfulness. For humor. For affectionate and intimate touch. For vibrant and pleasurable love making.

Love takes talk. A lot of talk. Talk about the future. Talk about your goals. Talk about today and tomorrow. Get back to being curious and learning about the details of each other’s everyday lives, concerns and joys. Build and share your private world. It is amazing to me how couples can live together and not really know each other.

Problem: Not enough personal kindness and love. Why be intimate with someone who doesn’t love you? Couples who have retreated to selfishness and meeting their own needs first undermine their happiness. Love is putting your partner first by meeting needs, faithfully and consistently though daily acts of kindness and consideration.

Either through anger, hurt or inertia, you no longer look for ways to please your partner. Not enough energy or awareness goes into ways of showing love and concern. It’s too easy to be unkind.

Solution: Go out of your way to express your love and appreciation in loving gestures and actions. This takes thoughtfulness, cooperation and awareness of what brings pleasure to your partner. It is easy to love someone who loves you. Be the first to love.

Loving deeds have to match words. Commitments need to be honored. It is then that you will trust your heart and your feelings because you trust the love coming to you.