Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Even The Right Advice Can Backfire

June 15, 2009

Here are 9 points of advice on giving advice.

1. Don’t give it unless it is asked for. "Advice is seldom welcome, those who need it the most, like it the least." – Samuel Johnson.

Unless people are seeking advice, chances are they won’t appreciate it when it is given. Timing is everything.

2. Show understanding first. Even if the advice seems right on target, if it is given too soon, it won’t be received as well. People want to feel that their problem is understood, then they begin to trust the advice they are given.

Even if you understand, people rightly feel they are unique and their situation is unique. Before we are able influence someone, we need to spend time listening and appreciating the unique aspects of their problem.

3. Help others come up with their own advice. Before offering suggestions, ask thought-provoking questions that help the other person think through their dilemma. By asking good questions, they can verbalize their thoughts, define the problem more clearly and identify their own solutions. If is their solution, they will be more likely to commit and act on it than if the solutions come from someone else.

4. Don’t be too forceful or direct in advice-giving. "Advice is like snow, the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind." – Samuel Coleridge.

Advice is not usually disliked because of what it is but because of the way it was given. Advice needs to be given softly and gently, indirectly – not like a sledgehammer driving home a harsh truth. This is done by stories, anecdotes, examples of people in similar situations, or with humor. The softer style of communicating can get through whereas a frontal assault with unvarnished truth may be too threatening to deal with.

Being too direct or too strong may add to the sense of failure or incompetence the person may be feeling. Acknowledge the difficulty and complexity of their problem. If advice is given, it should be couched in way that allows the dignity and self-respect of the recipient to remain intact. How a person feels about you after the advice is given is more important than the advice itself.

5. Follow criticism with expressions of love and concern. "Harsh counsels have no effect. They are like hammers which are always repulsed by the anvil." – Claude Helvetius.

Giving criticism in close relationships is always a delicate matter. Harsh words are remembered, sometimes for a lifetime. When advice is given, it should be followed by an expression of love and concern. Even a small laceration needs a huge dressing, lovingly administered.

6. Be cautious. There are two sides to every story. How many times do we find this out after we have

already put our foot in our mouth? People find themselves taking sides in a marriage problem, or family dispute only to have the estranged parties reconcile and their own relationship with them damaged.

If you do give advice, don’t be surprised if your judgments are bandied out as justification that the maligned party uses as ammunition. Congratulations, you have just become their star witness in the court of public opinion. Offer your support without feeling like you need to take sides with their conflicts.

7. Don’t attach strings to your advice. People need the freedom to reject advice and still be accepted. Otherwise advice giving can be seen as a form of manipulation or possible rejection. This is hard if a friend or loved one appears to be making repeated mistakes and ignores your advice.

The ultimate test of love and respect is to stand by and be supportive, despite everything. Rejection of advice shouldn’t be taken personally nor should the person you’ve advised feel guilty if they choose not to follow your advice.

8. Advice to the bereaved is often unhelpful. People who are grieving need opportunities to share their feelings, talk about their losses, receive expressions of care and concern, and be included socially. Just being there is enough. Don’t feel like you have to give advice.

What the bereaved person remembers are the misguided attempts to be helpful that include platitudes, premature religious and philosophic advice, and encouragement toward false optimism and cheerfulness. Comments minimizing losses are especially painful. The best people who can give advice are people who have been through similar circumstances themselves. They have a feeling for when and how the advice should be given.

9. Resist the temptation to take over someone’s problem. When someone is struggling with weight problems, smoking, problem drinking, or some other behavior that is hard to change, being over-involved and trying to help seems like control. We slip into the role of being a helpless cheerleader or an aversive taskmaster.

The goal may be right, but the methods we choose create problems when we are perceived as controlling and demanding. Ideas of autonomy and self-reliance run deep. People can be stubborn, just to prove they are in charge of their own lives. Giving advice can backfire even when it is the "right" advice.