Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Openness To Marital Complaints Makes A Difference

June 29, 2009

Their marriage was in trouble. Big trouble! Roberta had been blind-sided by her husband Bill’s (not real names) desire for a divorce. Roberta had been ignoring warning signs that their marriage was shaky. She had no clue of the intensity of his anger and his cool indifference to working on their marriage problems.

Poor problem-solving. Bill felt trapped. He felt his attempts to talk about problems went in circles and only made matters worse. He had become convinced that nothing could get through to Roberta. He gave up trying.

During the past year, the atmosphere in their home turned from tense to cool and detached. Bill felt Roberta seldom took him seriously. When she did, her efforts to change stopped when the pressure was off. He felt locked into a marriage that he felt was both one-sided and unfulfilling.

Building walls. Worst of all, his respect for her plummeted. He was silently critical and judgmental of everything she did. Roberta had no idea she was under such a microscope. He stopped confiding in her. He kept his true feelings to himself. It didn’t help when Roberta reciprocated his coolness because she didn’t feel loved or appreciated.

Bill started feeling that their marriage was an obligation to fulfill. After a while, his feelings of obligation turned into feelings of being trapped.

He felt sorry for her. He stopped seeing her as an equal. Feelings of pity crowded out feelings of love. All he needed was a graceful way to end the marriage. There was no graceful or easy way so he exploded his bombshell. He wanted a divorce.

Roberta "gets" it. Out of a sense of desperation and feeling that Bill meant what he said, Roberta stifled her impulse to defend herself. She really listened to what Bill was trying to say. Though she was wounded and hurt, Roberta was careful not to react with unloving, rejecting or demanding behavior. Bill would only see that as further proof of her self-absorption.

Roberta sought a confidante. She wanted to make sure she was dealing with facts and needed a sounding board. She also considered seeking professional help.

Despite the sting of Bill’s attack and rejection, Roberta gathered her strength and courage to communicate a sense of pride and self-worth. Her message to Bill was "I believe in me. I am worthwhile. I am lovable. You are misjudging me. I can change. I understand now what I need to do. Give us a chance." Her responses were crisp, confident, and well thought out.

Openness to his perspective. Roberta did not react in her old predictable defensiveness. She was calm. She projected strength and independence despite the possible collapse of her marriage.

Through her words, honesty and actions, she communicated that she was willing to get to know him, address his issues and acknowledge her past mistakes. Her caring and self-confidence she had during their

courtship days showed up in her demeanor.

A two-way street. After much reflection, Roberta started to respond to his complaints and concerns. Roberta swallowed her stubbornness and pride on those points where she felt she had been wrong.

Roberta also became more vocal and open about her own needs. She shared how she saw the history of their marriage. She also voiced her dissatisfactions when she felt Bill had acted in selfish, unkind or disrespectful ways.

The hardest thing for Roberta to do was to help Bill feel he wasn’t trapped. Love is love when it is an act of choice. She had taken Bill for granted. She had taken their wedding vows for granted and relaxed too much when it came to her role in keeping the marriage strong.

Fortunately for Roberta, Bill hadn’t met anyone else and didn’t have an alternative to run to. If he had, chances are that he wouldn’t be open-minded about her positive changes. In fact, her changes would only make him more frustrated or guilty about leaving a marriage that was workable.

Roberta suggested counseling. She was willing to go. She told Bill that if they couldn’t work it out, she would let him go. "I know I can’t make you love me but I want a chance to show that I care about our marriage."

Bill was bewildered. He had expected Roberta to be angry, blaming, defensive and vengeful. She wasn’t begging, pleading or irrationally demanding to stay together.

He started to see her differently. Maybe he didn’t know her after all. All she was asking for was time and a chance to address their problems. She was stronger and more courageous than he thought.

Roberta showed respect for Bill’s unhappiness and recognized her role in their marital problems. This made a huge difference. Her willingness to be open-minded about Bill’s desire for a divorce took away the feeling of his being trapped and obligated. She really did care about his happiness after all. It blew fresh oxygen on to the dying embers of the love they once enjoyed.

Communication skills. During counseling, Roberta stopped avoiding conflict and addressed issues. Bill appreciated the genuine interaction and engagement. By being good listeners, Roberta and Bill turned their chronic disagreements into productive discussions and negotiations.

The more they worked through tough issues, found solutions and made lasting changes, the more deeply they trusted each other to bring up more difficulties. Working through conflict was drawing them closer instead of pushing them apart. Bill and Roberta had reasons for hope.