Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Attitude About Money May Define Relationship

March 10, 2008

How do you and your partner feel about each other? Tell me how you handle money between you and I'll hazard a guess as the to quality of your marriage.

According to Bernard Poduska, BYU professor of family life, there is a direct connection between how limited family resources are allocated and the nature of the bond between a marital couple. The division of these resources reflects priorities as to how much of the resources are devoted to meeting one’s own needs versus the needs of the other.

Poduska describes five different styles of resource allocation: selfishness, convenience, commitment, charity and devotion. Each style reflects a set of attitudes about commitment to a spouse's well being versus one’s own.

Selfishness. Poduska believes, "When a relationship is based on selfishness, satisfying one's own needs becomes a top priority, and the needs of others are seldom taken into account. A selfish relationship is based on getting rather than giving." A selfish attitude may show up in a statement like, "It’s my money. I earned it, and I can spend it any way I want."

Selfishness represents a trust in power to get what they want rather than love. They trust getting but not giving as a way of meeting their needs. It is a blind alley however because you can never be powerful enough to make people love you or want you to have what you want. Behind the selfishness is helplessness.

Couples who do not merge their family budgets retain a framework of selfishness in meeting one's own needs before their partner’s. Even if incomes are merged, couples get into trouble when one party disregards the budget and spends any discretionary money on personal needs. Worst of all, when uncontrolled or hidden spending breaks the budget, it shows a disregard for their partner’s needs and for their concerns about financial stability.

Convenience. Relationships based on financial convenience occur when one partner is allowed limited access to the other's resources. The needs of the partner are sometimes considered, but only when it is convenient to do so. A way that this is expressed is, "I’ll allow you to satisfy your needs as long as it doesn’t inconvenience me."

A spouse may be unwilling to share some of the cash in their wallet or purse because he or she doesn’t want to be short. A mate may justify borrowing or spending money on what he or she wants but "can’t afford" to incur debt for what the other spouse wants to buy. Partners are willing to be helpful but are reluctant to sacrifice.

The subtle message, "You are not a top priority" is sent. A spouse learns that he or she is not important to the person he or she wants to be important to. After time, he or she may learn to seek importance in other places, such as in a job, children or friendships.

Commitment. A committed relationship is based on a willingness of each spouse to allow unlimited access to his or her resources, even when it is inconvenient. Poduska defines unlimited access as, "If I have it and you need it, then it's yours."

There is trust in the basic fairness, balance and equality of the relationship. Each partner is vulnerable to the other, trusting that his or her partner will not exploit or misuse family resources.

Reciprocity is the basic minimum for a good relationship. One’s own needs don't take precedence over a partner's needs. There is not a one way drain of resources. Couples monitor prices of things and agree on expenditures may be extreme.

Charity. This kind of relationship is based on a willingness to give without regard to equality or repayment. Charity has caring as a foundation. Giving is done without expectation of return. Each partner experiences joy in sacrificing in order to satisfy the needs on the other. No one keeps score.

The attitude is, "If you want it, it gives me pleasure to see that you have it." The benefit of the resources in the marriage may be unbalanced. It doesn't matter. It is fun to meet a partner’s needs. One’s own needs don’t matter as much.

Devotion. When a relationship is based on devotion, each partner actively seeks opportunities to serve the other. Instead of waiting to be asked, each spouse tries to anticipate the needs of the other and to meet those needs before they arise. This is an active, vigilant monitoring of their partner’s happiness. It is similar to the way a host monitors and anticipates a guest’s needs before he or she asks. Service is given freely and lovingly.

Examples include, "I thought you might need some time alone, so I took the children to the park." Or, "I thought you might be thirsty so I bought you some lemonade." Devotion applies to "time" or "attention" as resources that are even more important than money. In a marriage, devotion means knowing one’s partner and being ever mindful about him or her.

Increasing the amount of giving increases intimacy. This takes a change of heart from getting to giving. Besides giving, it takes a courageous willingness to be vulnerable. This requires an internal decision to expose oneself to hurt, loss, disappointment, or betrayal without guarantees of being loved back. It is a surrender of power of control over another’s love - a willingness to trust that your needs will be met without conditions.